The Three Muscatels
by RCGumby
Summary: A parody of The Three Musketeers, and a tribute to the comedy of Monty Python.  Rated M ... because it's Monty Python.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

As the title suggests, this story is a parody of The Three Musketeers, the classic novel by Alexander Dumas. But it's also a tribute to one of the most famous comedy teams of all time: **Monty Python**.

Now, Monty Python has done its fair share of parodies. But instead of imagining what Monty Python's take on the Musketeers would be, for this story a simplified plot of the Musketeers is just a convenient vehicle to take the action through a long succession of classic Monty Python sketches. True, it's not as original as a completely new story could be, but that's not the point here. The Monty Python team has become one of the greatest legends of comedy of all time, and is one of my all-time favorites. Putting so many classic Python sketches together into one complete story has been a labor of love for me, and I want to share it with other Monty Python fans out there.

In some cases, the sketches have been altered to fit into the surrounding plot and situation, but many other sketches are recreated word-for-word straight from the original source material. Therefore I want to make it absolutely clear right now that I fully acknowledge that the sketches presented herein are the property of Monty Python. I don't make any claims on these sketches, and I am in no way trying to profit from their works. This is merely a loving tribute to some of the greatest and most ground-breaking comedians of all time. If it turns out that I am in fact violating copyright or other such laws by posting this story on the internet, I will promptly remove it, no questions asked.

So unless there are any objections, we now bring you the first chapter of RC Gumby's newest production, The Three Musca-

"Um, excuse me."

- What? Who're you?

"Good morning, I was wondering about this story you've written. You say it's full of classic Monty Python sketches?"

Oh yes, full to bursting with them!

"Oh very good! Does it have the 'Crispy Duck with Orange Sauce and an Eggroll on the Side' sketch?"

. . . Uh, well I don't know that one.

"Not to worry. How about 'How to Fix a Flat Tire with a Corn Plaster'?"

. . . Which Python did that one?

"The Irish one. His name eludes me for the moment."

No, none of the Pythons were from Ireland.

"Oh, never mind. What about the Yorkshiremen?"

Ah yes, 'The Four Yorkshiremen'!

"No."

. . . I beg your pardon?

"No, 'The Three Yorkshiremen.'"

I think you'll find there were four of them.

"No-no, you're thinking of the sketch where they're reminiscing about tough childhoods. This is the 'Three Yorkshiremen' who debate the political ramifications of American-made sausages."

'Three Yorkshiremen who debate the political ramifications of American-made sausages' . . .

"Yes, I should've said."

Yes, well in that case, we don't have it.

"Funny, you've got a lot of sketches in here."

Yes we do, but we don't have 'The Three Yorkshiremen who debate the political ramifications of American-made sausages.'

"Are you quite sure?"

Quite.

"Not worth just looking?"

Definitely not.

"Well, how about 'Albatross'?"

Yes, well we have that.

"That's 'Alfred B. Tross,' the CPA with hair made out of steel wool."

Well in that case, the story doesn't have it.

"'Dennis Mower'? That's M-O-W-E-R?"

No.

"'Election Knight Special' with a K?"

No.

"How about 'The Flirty Dork'?"

Definitely not!

"Sorry to trouble you."

Not at all.

"Good morning."

Good morning.

"Oh!"

. . . Yes?

"I wonder if the story has 'Willy Salks'?"

And what exactly is that sketch about?

"It's about a man who visits the head of a government ministry, in hopes of financing his project to create a bizarre means of walking."

And the ministry head has own bizarre means of walking?

"Yes."

You mean 'Silly Walks'!

"No, 'Willy Salks.' That's the name of the man, he designs robots with too many legs."

No, the story doesn't have 'Willy Salks,' a man who designs robots with too many legs! And perhaps to save time, I should add that it doesn't have 'Billy Falks,' the man with three ears, or 'Lilly Talks,' a woman who speaks only in rhyming couplets, or even 'Bruces,' with four O's and a silent Q! Why don't you try FictionPress?

"I did. They sent me here."

. . . Did they . . .

"I wonder - "

Oh, do go on, please!

"Does your story have the 'Mr. and Mrs. Ken B. F. Washboard Go Out for a Football Match But Get Attacked by Cannibals and End Up in a TV Interview with a Clone of James Whicker' sketch?"

. . . No, we don't have that. Funny, we've got a lot of sketches in this story. Well, I mustn't keep you here any longer!

"Uh, does it have - "

No it doesn't.

"Uh, but what about - "

No, the site's going down for maintenance now. I'll just hyperlink you to -

"I-I saw it over there! I saw it!"

- What? What?

"I saw it over there! The opening sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail!"

. . . The opening sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

"Yes."

H-O-L-Y?

"Yes."

G-R-A-I-L?

"Yes."

. . . Yes, well we do have that, as a matter of fact -

"The expurgated version."

. . . . . . Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

"The expurgated version."

'Expurgated' version of the opening sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

"The one without the cocoanuts."

The - one without th-! The cocoanuts are the whole point! You couldn't even do the damn sketch without them!

"Well, I don't like cocoanut! It gets stuck in my teeth!"

. . . All right! I'll remove it! [delete-delete-delete] Any other sketches you don't like?

"I don't like the Architect Sketch!"

The Architect? Right, the Architect! [delete-delete-delete] There you are, any others you don't like? Any others?

"The Dead Parrot!"

Right! The dead parrot, dead parrot – ah! [delete-delete-delete] There you are! No parrots, no architects, no cocoanuts, there's your story!

"I can't read this, it's got plot holes in it!"

AAAAAAAGGHH!

"I wonder if - "

Go on, ask me anything! There's lots of sketches in this story, it's a Monty Python tribute!

"How about 'Biggles Eats Lemon Curry'?"

No, no, it doesn't have that one, funny!

"'The Dead Bishop Reads the Paris Telephone Directory'?"

No-no-no! Try me again!

"Uh . . oh I know! 'Mr. Creosote Gets Thirty Years to Life'!"

No, no-no – What-what!

"'Mr. Creosote Gets Thirty Years to Life!'"

. . . Mr. Creosote - Ha! HAHAHAHAHA! I've got it! I've seen it somewhere – AHAHAHAHA! I know I have! . . . Seen it somewhere – YES! Yes, here we are! 'Mr. Creosote Gets Thirty Years to Life'! There's your sketch! Now, read it!

"I don't have an internet provider!"

I'll email it to you!

"I don't have email!"

You can get it through your phone company!

"I don't have a telephone!"

You can get internet at the library!

"My town doesn't have a library!"

Right! I'll SNAIL MAIL it to you! There you are, I've printed it out, I'm stuffing it in an 8-by-11 envelope, all postage pre-paid, priority mail, you should get it within -

"Wait - wait - wait!"

WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT!

"I can't read!"

. . . You can't read . . . you don't have internet access . . . email . . . THEN HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET TO THIS WEB PAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

"If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off." [logs off]

. . . . . .

. . . Well, that's quite enough of that. Coming soon, the first chapter of The Three Muscatels, a special tribute to Monty Python. Hope you enjoy it!

. . . . . .

Lemon curry?


	2. All For One and Three for Four Pound Six

**DISCLAIMER: Any reference to "Michelin" in this story is not meant to represent or misrepresent the famous tire company, its products, or its employees in any way whatsoever . . . except where it can score a few cheap laughs.**

_SCENE 1 – EXTERIOR, OPEN FIELD, FRANCE_

_We hear the sounds of multiple hoofbeats. As a dramatic fanfare begins, three horsemen ride into the foreground. It's the THREE MUSCATELS: ASSHOLE, PORTHOLE, and AIRHOLE. They rein in their horses in a tight group, and then in unison they draw their swords, raise them to the air, and cross them._

ASSHOLE, PORTHOLE, AIRHOLE  
(in unison)  
All for one, and one for all!

_Once again in unison, they sheath their swords and ride off together toward the background to the right. They gradually get farther away as the dramatic fanfare becomes repetitive and slowly fades in volume. The scene is still panning to the right as the Muscatels are about to disappear over the background hills, and by now the fanfare has reduced in volume almost to silence.  
At this point, the camera suddenly stops panning as a NUDE MAN comes into foreground shot, sitting at an old-fashioned pipe organ. The organ is oriented such that the Nude Man on the organ's bench is turned three-quarter back to the camera, so we can clearly see his large shock of unruly hair and his bare bum. He turns his upper body however so as to look at the camera, grinning maniacally. The Nude Man plays his own fanfare on the organ._

_SCENE 2 – EXTERIOR, ANOTHER OPEN FIELD_

_ The MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET, clothed in a formal black tuxedo, sits at a desk on which is placed a telephone, a few stacks of paper, and a 1960's-style radio microphone. He talks with a SECRETARY standing over him at his left side:_

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
... Yes, that's certainly a good point. Personally though, I adhere to Henri Bergson's idea of laughter as a social sanction against inflexible behavior.

_ The Man in the Dinner Jacket glances toward the camera, then quickly turns to the Secretary:_

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
Oh, excuse me, I'm on.

_ The Secretary walks out of shot and the Man turns back toward the camera._

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
And now for something completely different.

_SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, YET ANOTHER OPEN FIELD_

_ A CLOSEUP SHOT of the IT'S MAN, wearing a tattered Musketeer uniform._

IT'S MAN  
It's –

_TITLE SEQUENCE_

VOICEOVER

RC Gumby Productions presents:

"The Three Muscatels."

Based upon the comedy of Monty Python.

And upon the novel The Three Musketeers, by Alexander Dumas.

But not very closely.

_Title sequence ends._

_TITLE CARDS, in sequence:_

"_EPISODE 1"_

"_GRATUITOUS SEX AND VIOLENCE"_

_(empty black for a pregnant pause)_

"_Now that we have your __full__ attention, our story begins..."_

_SCENE 4 – EXTERIOR, YET ANOTHER OPEN FIELD, SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE_

_ We hear the sound of hoofbeats again. Over the hill appears – not a man on a horse, but a young man – D'ARK-ONION - rapidly clapping two coconut halves together while himself galloping like he's imitating a horse. D'Ark-Onion "reins himself in" at the foot of the hill and looks offscreen, out into the distance of the direction he's traveling. He hopes to see his final destination, Paris, but instead it's the wall of a castle._

D'ARK-ONION  
(calls out)  
Hello!

_ No answer is immediately coming._

D'ARK-ONION  
(calls out even louder)  
HELLO!

_ This time the head of a SENTRY appears over the battlements._

SENTRY  
(calls back)  
Hello! Who's there?

D'ARK-ONION  
My name is Michel D'Ark-Onion, son of Jean D'Ark-Onion from the province of Normandie! I've ridden for several days to reach the city of Paris, to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a Muscatel, like my father before me! Could you tell me if I'm getting close to Paris?

SENTRY  
What, ridden on a horse?

D'ARK-ONION  
Yes!

SENTRY  
You're using coconuts!

D'ARK-ONION  
What?

SENTRY  
You've got two empty halves of coconuts, and you're banging 'em together!

D'ARK-ONION  
So? I've ridden for days and days, and I'm worried I might have strayed from the road to Paris! Could you please tell me if I'm going the right way?

SENTRY  
Where'd you get the coconuts?

D'ARK-ONION  
I found them!

SENTRY  
In Normandie? The coconut's tropical!

D'ARK-ONION  
What do you mean?

SENTRY  
This is a temperate zone!

D'ARK-ONION  
The swallow flies south during winter, and other birds fly north to seek cooler climates in summer, but these aren't strangers to France!

SENTRY  
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

D'ARK-ONION  
Not at all! They could be carried!

SENTRY  
What, a swallow carrying a coconut?

D'ARK-ONION  
It could grip it by the husk!

SENTRY  
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratio! A 200-gram bird cannot carry a half-kilogram coconut!

D'ARK-ONION  
Look, it doesn't matter! Could you please tell if I'm getting close to Paris?

SENTRY  
Listen, in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow has to beat its wings forty-two times a second, am I right?

D'ARK-ONION  
Please!

SENTRY  
Am I right?

D'ARK-ONION  
I don't care!

_ A second SENTRY appears on top of the battlements, several paces away from the first SENTRY._

SENTRY #2  
(to Sentry #1)  
An African swallow could carry a coconut!

SENTRY #1  
(to Sentry #2)  
Oh yeah, an *African* swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

D'ARK-ONION  
Will you *please* tell me if I'm going the right way to get to Paris?

SENTRY #1  
(still to Sentry #2)  
But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

SENTRY #2  
Yeah, that's a good point.

_ D'Ark-Onion sighs loudly in frustration and "gallops" away. As he leaves he overhears:_

SENTRY #2  
Wait a minute! Supposing *two* swallows carried it together!

SENTRY #1  
Nah, then they'd have to have it on a line!

SENTRY #2  
Why not? They could use a strand of creeper!

SENTRY #1  
What, attached under the dorsal guidance feathers?

SENTRY #2  
Well why not!

_SCENE 5 – EXTERIOR, SOME OTHER OPEN FIELD, STILL FRANCE_

_ D'Ark-Onion continues his journey, galloping and banging his coconuts, when he stops and gazes offscreen. He breaks into a smile as he finally sees his destination: Paris.  
CUT to a still showing the city of Paris, circa the present day rather than the 17th__ century.  
CUT back to D'Ark-Onion._

D'ARK-ONION  
I need to have a talk with the film editor.

_ D'Ark-Onion resumes banging his coconuts and heads off in the city's direction._

_SCENE 6 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE A TAVERN_

_ Among the half-dozen small tables arranged outside the tavern sits a man in full Muscatel uniform, enjoying a glass of wine. D'Ark-Onion reins himself in next to the table._

D'ARK-ONION  
Morning, Sir Muscatel! What's your name?

AIRHOLE  
Airhole. What's yours, young man?

D'ARK-ONION  
D'Ark-Onion, from Normandie. May I join you?

AIRHOLE  
Certainly.

_ Airhole gestures to the empty chair next to him and D'Ark-Onion sits down. D'Ark-Onion notices the wedding ring on Airhole's finger._

D'ARK-ONION  
You're married?

AIRHOLE  
Yes, I am.

D'ARK-ONION  
That's nice. I'm a bachelor myself.

_ D'Ark-Onion looks around, as if making sure no one is around to overhear them, hesitates a bit at his next words, but then works up his courage and, with a cheeky grin:_

D'ARK-ONION  
Say uh, ... is your wife a goer, eh? Know whattamean? Know whattamean? Nudge, nudge!

_ He elbows Airhole to emphasize his point._

AIRHOLE  
Beg your pardon?

D'ARK-ONION  
Does she go, eh? Does she go? Nudge, nudge, say no more!

AIRHOLE  
Well, she sometimes goes, yes.

D'ARK-ONION  
I bet she does! I bet she does! Say no more, say no more! Know whattamean? Nudge nudge!

_ D'Ark-Onion elbows Airhole again._

AIRHOLE  
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

D'ARK-ONION  
Follow me! Follow me! That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

AIRHOLE  
Are you selling something?

D'ARK-ONION  
Selling! Very good! Very good! Eh? Eh? Eh?

_ D'Ark-Onion elbows him at each "Eh"._

D'ARK-ONION  
You're wicked eh? Wicked, eh? Say no more!  
(beat)  
Is your wife a sport?

AIRHOLE  
She likes sports, yes.

D'ARK-ONION  
I bet she does! I bet she does!

AIRHOLE  
As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket.

_ D'Ark-Onion elbows Airhole suggestively, his grin widening._

D'ARK-ONION  
Who isn't? She likes games, eh? Likes games, eh? I knew she would, eh? Knew she would, eh? She's been around!

AIRHOLE  
She has traveled, yes. She's from Nice.

_ D'Ark-Onion stares at Airhole even more suggestively._

D'ARK-ONION  
Say no more! Nice, Squire? Famous place, famous place! Say no more! Is, uh, is your wife interested in photography, eh? Photographs, eh, he asks him knowingly?

AIRHOLE  
Photography?

_ D'Ark-Onion mimes snapping photographs._

D'ARK-ONION  
Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!

AIRHOLE  
Oh, holiday snaps!

D'ARK-ONION  
Could be! Could be taken on a holiday, eh? "Candid", eh? "Candid" photography!

AIRHOLE  
(becoming impatient)  
Well how could we, the camera hasn't been invented yet!

D'ARK-ONION  
Oh. . . . Still, whooooa! Eh? Whoooooa, eh!

_ Airhole finally gets fed up with D'Ark-Onion's behavior, slams his wine glass down on the table, and turns fully toward D'Ark-Onion._

AIRHOLE  
(angry)  
Look, are you insinuating something?

D'ARK-ONION  
No, no! No! No! Yes.

AIRHOLE  
Well?

D'ARK-ONION  
I mean, uh, you're a man of the world, Squire. I mean, you've been around, eh?  
(beat)  
You've done it?

AIRHOLE  
What do you mean?

D'ARK-ONION  
Well like . . see I mean you've, uh . . . you've slept . . with a lady?

AIRHOLE  
Yes?

D'ARK-ONION  
What's it like?

_ Airhole bolts out of his chair._

AIRHOLE  
Right, that does it! You've insulted my honor!

_ Airhole reaches behind his cape, pulls out a small fish, and slaps D'Ark-Onion in the face with it._

AIRHOLE  
I demand satisfaction!

D'ARK-ONION  
(outraged, and still stinging from the fish slap)  
With pleasure, Sir! But can it wait until after lunch? I have to enlist in the Muscatels.

AIRHOLE  
All right, how about 1:00 this afternoon? In Paris, right outside the ministry building on the Uxbridge Road across from the travel agent's office.

D'ARK-ONION  
I'll be there! And you better bring plenty of bandages!

_ With all the indignant dignity he can muster, D'Ark-Onion pulls out his coconut halves and gallops away, banging them together, as Airhole watches him leave.  
Once D'Ark-Onion is offscreen and out of earshot:_

AIRHOLE  
(mutters to himself)  
Where'd he get the coconuts?

_SCENE 7 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE ANOTHER TAVERN_

_ At one of the tables outside this tavern sits another man in full Muscatel uniform. Like Airhole, he's enjoying a glass of wine. Unlike Airhole, this time he has a large decanter of wine handy to keep refilling his glass. D'Ark-Onion pulls up to the table and introduces himself._

D'ARK-ONION  
Morning! I'm new in town! What's your name?

ASSHOLE  
I'm Asshole.

D'ARK-ONION  
(taken aback)  
. . . Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but what's your name?

ASSHOLE  
That *is* my name!

D'ARK-ONION  
Oh, I see! May I join you?

ASSHOLE  
Go right ahead.

_ D'Ark-Onion sits down in the empty chair next to Asshole. For a few moments he doesn't say anything, but he's working up the courage to ask a question now burning in his mind. Finally:_

D'ARK-ONION  
What's your father's name?

ASSHOLE  
Butthead.

D'ARK-ONION  
"Butthead" . . .

_ A smirk forms out of D'Ark-Onion's mouth, and he's clearly trying hard not to laugh. But Asshole notices._

ASSHOLE  
Say, are you making fun of my family's names?

D'ARK-ONION  
(quickly)  
No-no, far from it!

_ But now there's another question burning in his mind, and finally he can't resist asking._

D'ARK-ONION  
What's your mother's name?

ASSHOLE  
Fanny.

D'ARK-ONION  
"Fanny!"

_ D'Ark-Onion can barely contain his mirth, and a few bursts of giggling do escape his lips this time. Asshole bolts from his chair._

ASSHOLE  
You *are* making fun of my family's names!

_ He reaches behind his cape and pulls out a fish at least twice as long as Airhole's was. He slaps D'Ark-Onion in the face with it. The force of this fish slap sends D'Ark-Onion reeling backwards a few paces, and it hurts quite a bit._

ASSHOLE  
I demand satisfaction!

D'ARK-ONION  
Alright, you're on!

ASSHOLE  
I'll see you in Paris, at the ministry building on the Uxbridge Road at 1:00 this afternoon!

D'ARK-ONION  
I'll be there! And you're goin' down, Asshole!

_ D'Ark-Onion angrily pulls out his coconuts and gallops away. After a few moments, he stops abruptly._

D'ARK-ONION  
Wait, 1:00?  
(turns back toward the tavern)  
Asshole! Wait, I've plans for –

_ To his dismay, Asshole is nowhere in sight._

D'ARK-ONION  
Oh great, now I have to stand someone up!

_SCENE 8 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE YET ANOTHER TAVERN_

_ PORTHOLE, the man in full Muscatel uniform outside this tavern, isn't sitting at one of the tables. He's working a homemade still, making his own wine and gathering it in a small barrel. He takes a sample in a wine glass, tastes it, and smiles in satisfaction.  
D'Ark-Onion "rides" up to the man at the still._

D'ARK-ONION  
Hello! Lovely morning, isn't it?

_ Porthole suddenly throws down his wine glass in anger._

PORTHOLE  
Oh, that does it! You've insulted my honor!

D'ARK-ONION  
(taken aback)  
What! I only just got here!

PORTHOLE  
You said "lovely!" I hate the word "lovely!"

_ Porthole reaches behind his cape, and pulls out a fish that must be at least four feet long. He slaps D'Ark-Onion in the face with it – the "slap" is more like a full-on clubbing, which knocks D'Ark-Onion's head around in a daze, and he keels over sideways._

PORTHOLE  
I demand satisfaction!

D'ARK-ONION  
(groggy)  
I demand an icepack.

PORTHOLE  
You and I will have a duel! You pick the time!

D'ARK-ONION  
(slowly coming around)  
Duel? Time? Uh . . . let's see, 1:00 is -

PORTHOLE  
1:00? That'll be perfect! I'll meet you then at the ministry on the Uxbridge Road in Paris. Until then!

_ Before D'Ark-Onion can fully regain his senses and stop him, Porthole leaps onto a nearby horse and rides away._

D'ARK-ONION  
(to himself)  
I haven't even become a Muscatel yet, and already I've got three separate duels scheduled at the same time and place. Why didn't I become a gynecologist instead?

_SCENE 9 - EXTERIOR, LONG SHOT of the CITY of PARIS_

_ As the shot slowly pans forward toward the royal palace in the heart of the city:_

VOICEOVER  
Little did D'Ark-Onion know that his troubles were just beginning. For at the Royal Palace of Paris, barely a swallow's flight away, dangerous intrigue was unfolding in the court of King Wouie the Fourteenth.

_ Shot continues panning forward for a few seconds, then:_

VOICEOVER (cont.)  
Oh, that's an un-laden swallow's flight, obviously.

(pregnant pause)

I mean, it would be two *laden* swallows' flights away. Four, if they had it on a line between them. See, if they were walking, and dragging the coconut –

_SCENE 10 – EXTERIOR, EDGE of a FOREST_

_ In LONG SHOT, a row of Royal Canadian Mounties stands in full uniform._

MOUNTIES  
(in unison)  
GET ON WITH IT!

_SCENE 11 - BACK to panning slowly forward toward the CITY of PARIS_

VOICEOVER  
Oh! Uh, anyway we now rejoin the story in the city of Paris, where King Wouie and his trusted adviser, Cardinal Michelin, are having an argument which may determine the future of not only the Muscatels but the entire kingdom of France! In a scene in which there are no swallows at all, but I think you can hear a starling -

_ A loud CRASH is heard in the voiceover, and the voiceover speaker yelps in pain._

_SCENE 12 - INTERIOR, ROYAL PALACE, PARIS_

_ KING WOUIE THE XIV is in the middle of his latest argument with CARDINAL MICHELIN in one of the palace's many spacious and opulently furnished rooms. Wouie speaks with a speech impediment:_

WOUIE  
Now, Cawdinal Michewin, we've been thwough this ovew and ovew again. I wiww not wemove the Muscatews fwom my wetinue simpwy because they'we ovew budget fow the thiwtieth stwaight yeaw in a wow. They've done too many gweat sewvices fow this countwy.

MICHELIN  
And even more for the wine and liquor trade! Your Muscatels are nothing more than a motley band of drunkards, totally unfit to be the royal protectors!

WOUIE  
That's not how you wesponded when they wocated youw wost wubbew ducky wast month.

_ Startled, Michelin quickly looks around furtively, to make sure no one heard that._

MICHELIN  
(tries to salvage his dignity)  
So they got lucky once! Doesn't prove a thing!

WOUIE  
The Muscatews wemain, Michewin! That's my finaw wowd!

_ Wouie weaves the - *leaves* the room. In a huff, Michelin leaves the room in another direction, walking through a door toward his own private chambers._

_SCENE 13 – INTERIOR, MICHELIN'S CHAMBERS, ROYAL PALACE_

_Michelin's room is equally well furnished, and waiting for him inside is an elegantly dressed woman, MALADY DE WHINER. Michelin walks up to her, and she prepares herself for his latest rant._

MICHELIN  
I hate King Wouie! I hate his Muscatels, I hate the horses they always ride, and I hate the presents their horses leave on my lawn every day! Once I get rid of the King, I can put an end to his Muscatels, and then my guardsmen will control the countryside!

MALADY  
You're going to kill the King?

MICHELIN  
Exactly! Then I will rule all of France, and you will rule at my side.

_ He leads Malady to the large picture window and waves at the scene outside._

MICHELIN  
And on that day, Malady, all this will be ours.

MALADY  
What, the curtains?

MICHELIN  
No, not the curtains, Malady! All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! That'll be our kingdom, my dear.

MALADY  
But Oriole -

MICHELIN  
Cardinal, I'm Cardinal!

MALADY  
But Cardinal, I don't want any of that!

MICHELIN  
Listen. King Wouie XIV's ancestor, King Wouie I, built this kingdom up from nothing! All it was was swamp! All the other kings said it was daft to build a castle in the swamp, but he built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp. So he built a second one; that sank into the swamp. So he built a third one; that burned down, fell over, *then* sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what we're gonna usurp, my dear. The strongest castle on this continent!

MALADY  
But I don't want any of that. I'd rather -

MICHELIN  
Rather what?

_ Background music starts to build up._

MALADY  
Rather . . . just . . . sing!

_ As the music begins playing, and Malady takes a deep breath to begin a romantic song, Michelin gets in her way and waves his arms frantically._

MICHELIN  
Stop that. Stop that!

_ The music slows and dies._

MICHELIN  
(to Malady)  
You're not going into a song while I'm here. Listen, once I'm the ruler of France, we'll get married, you and I. It's a perfect match! I am the head of all church authority in France, and your father owns the biggest tracts of open land in the country! Together we'll be the strongest force in Europe!

MALADY  
But I don't want power.

MICHELIN  
Listen, Illness -

MALADY  
Malady.

MICHELIN  
- Malady. This kingdom is a bloody swamp! We need all the power we can get!

MALADY  
But Cardinal, I can't just get married to you like that!

MICHELIN  
Not get married? Why not? You're beautiful, you're rich, you've got huge . . .

_ Michelin waggles his hands in mid-air, close to significant portions of his upper chest, but then throws them back down._

MICHELIN  
(continues)  
. . . tracts of land!

MALADY  
I know, but to me, a marriage has to have a certain, special, something . .

_ More background music begins building up, and Malady once again takes a deep breath in preparation to sing, but Michelin gets in the way again._

MICHELIN  
Cut that out!

_The music dies again. Malady becomes indignant._

MALADY  
Oh sure, it's all right for *you* to sing, but not anyone else!

_ Michelin suddenly looks defensive._

MICHELIN  
Who says I sing?

_CUT to SCENE 14 – INTERIOR, KARAOKE BAR_

_ Michelin is on the stage, miming into a microphone so that it sounds like he's singing "Since U Been Gone" with Kelly Clarkson's voice._

_CUT to SCENE 15 – BACK IN MICHELIN'S CHAMBERS_

MICHELIN  
STOP IT!

_Michelin suddenly grabs Malady's collar and pulls her right up to his face._

MICHELIN  
Now look! We're killing the King and getting married, so you better get used to the idea!

_ Malady suddenly loses consciousness and falls out of his grasp and to the floor. Confused, Michelin just stares at her for a few seconds. Then hesitantly he lifts an open hand to his face and exhales sharply into it. The smell of his breath makes him flinch._

MICHELIN  
Maybe I *should* cut down on the garlic.

_ From just offscreen, a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR steps up to Michelin and hits him over the head with a rubber chicken. Michelin turns to the knight as he walks away again._

MICHELIN  
Who asked you?

_SCENE 16 – EXTERIOR, UXBRIDGE ROAD, PARIS_

_ The background is a high wall cordoning off an impressive building, obviously the ministry building where D'Ark-Onion's duels are to be held. A man in a perfectly tailored and pressed business suit appears, walking up the street along the wall – although "walking" may not be exactly the correct term. His gait is extremely unusual, with his legs thrusting into the air much higher than they have to. Intermixed with this is random skipping and hopping, twisting of the legs in odd directions, and at one point the man pauses briefly to make his legs do what looks like a combination of the Charleston and the hokey-pokey. He then resumes his very peculiar gait along the wall until he comes to an imposing double-gate built into it. The gate is open, allowing the man to make his way inside. As he does, the camera zooms in on a large sign on the right-hand gate. The sign says "MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS"._

_The camera zooms out and pans to one side of the double-gate to reveal D'Ark-Onion nervously pacing back and forth in front of the wall._

D'ARK-ONION  
(to himself)  
What am I worried about? Who's to say these guys will all show up at exactly 1:00? They'll probably be a few minutes apart at least. Plenty of time to carve one into sandwich meat before the next one shows up.  
(beat)  
In fact how do I know they'll even show up at all? Probably all bravado and no guts!

AIRHOLE (O.S.)  
(shouts)  
Stand fast, varlet!

D'ARK-ONION  
(to himself, more nervous)  
Hope I can keep *my* guts inside me.

_ Airhole leaps dramatically into view, drawing a long rapier aimed at D'Ark-Onion._

AIRHOLE  
Prepare to defend yourself!

_ Asshole suddenly leaps dramatically into view, drawing his own rapier toward D'Ark-Onion._

ASSHOLE  
Prepare to defend your - self?  
(to Airhole)  
What're you doing here, Airhole?

AIRHOLE  
What're *you* doing here, Asshole?

_ Porthole suddenly runs into view, not having drawn his rapier yet._

PORTHOLE  
(to D'Ark-Onion)  
Sorry I'm late, Kid. Couldn't find a parking space for my horse.

_ He notices his compatriots Asshole and Airhole nearby._

PORTHOLE  
Airhole, Asshole! What're you doing here?

AIRHOLE  
I'm scheduled to have a duel with this kid right now.

ASSHOLE  
You're daft! *I'm* having a duel with him now!

PORTHOLE  
You're both daft! *I'm* having a duel with him!

D'ARK-ONION  
Damn these scheduling snafus! What can you do?

_ Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole ponder for a few seconds._

ASSHOLE  
Well, there's no reason we couldn't all duel him at the same time.

AIRHOLE  
That could work! How about you, Porthole?

PORTHOLE  
I've got no problem with that.

D'ARK-ONION  
*I* do!

ASSHOLE  
Oh, don't be such a baby! All together, Muscatels?

_ All of them raise their swords toward D'Ark-Onion._

ASSHOLE, PORTHOLE, AIRHOLE  
(to D'Ark-Onion, in unison)  
Have at you!

_ D'Ark-Onion realizes he's trapped, but he's determined not to go down without a fight. He draws his own sword._

D'ARK-ONION  
Right! You three want pieces of me? You'll have to earn them the hard way!

_ Suddenly a squad of the Cardinal's guard marches into view, led by CAPTAIN ROQUEFORT._

ROQUEFORT  
(very loud)  
NOT SO FAST!

_ Offscreen trumpet fanfare begins, heralding Roquefort's arrival, until he looks offscreen and interrupts it with:_

ROQUEFORT  
Shut up!

_ The fanfare slows and dies. Roquefort turns back toward D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels._

ROQUEFORT  
Allow me to introduce myself! I am Captain Roquefort of the Cardinal's Elite Guards, Special Anti-Dueling Squad, Crumbled Division!

D'ARK-ONION and MUSCATELS  
(in unison)  
Crumbled Roquefort!

ROQUEFORT  
Shut up! Now then, my fine fellows, you are nicked! You have been caught red-handed dueling in a No Dueling Zone! And it is my duty to arrest you all immediately and forth-with!

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_This episode performed by:  
D'ARK-ONION  
ASSHOLE  
PORTHOLE  
AIRHOLE  
KING WOUIE XIV  
CARDINAL MICHELIN  
MALADY DE WHINER  
CAPTAIN ROQUEFORT  
TWO CASTLE SENTRIES_

_Also appearing:  
THREE AFRICAN SWALLOWS  
TWO EUROPEAN SWALLOWS  
ONE ALBATROSS_

_This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions. Oh yeah, Monty Python helped._

**Yeah okay, this episode was heavy on material from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But the rest of the story should be more evenly balanced. Rate and review, and stay tuned for more!**


	3. Recognize Different Parts of the Story

**Episode 2**

_SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, TV STUDIO_

_ A TV ANNOUNCER sits at a desk on a blank set. It's the same type of desk at which the Man in the Dinner Jacket was sitting at the beginning of Episode 1._

ANNOUNCER  
Good evening. The story so far, young Muscatel-to-be D'Ark-Onion arrived in Paris and found himself fenced into fighting duels with the Three Muscatels. Meanwhile, Cardinal Michelin plans to tread all over King Wouie XIV and drive off with the throne of France. And now Captain Roquefort and his cheesy Anti-Dueling Squad want to stick it to D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels. Will they get the point? Will Michelin get wheel? And will I become violently ill if I say one more bad pun? We're about to find out in Episode 2 of –

_ Scene suddenly CUTS to an animated globe rotating with the caption "BBC" just underneath it._

VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
We interrupt this program to annoy you, and generally make the opening of it even sillier.

_ Scene suddenly CUTS back to the TV Announcer, who is now angry._

ANNOUNCER  
(to no one in particular)  
And I told Lord Hill if they ever interrupted my announcements again, I'm leaving television and going into movies! I don't have to put up with this –

_ Scene suddenly CUTS to the animated BBC globe again._

VOICEOVER (V.O.)  
We interrupt this tirade to bring you the following special news bulletin: Previous reports claiming that The Three Muscatels is a special tribute to Monty Python have turned out to be false. It isn't really a tribute, it's just a cheap fanfic written by some geek who has nothing better to do with his life than rip off classic novels and television programs and try to convince himself he's being clever, in-between surfing the internet from his parents' basement, blogging about the latest YouTube videos, and watching old Monty Python DVD's over and over again looking for pointless extra tidbits to shoehorn into this piece of -

VOICEOVER #2 (V.O.)  
We interrupt this interruption to apologize for the previous voiceover announcer. Between you and me, he's just jealous because the admins rejected his own fanfic combining The Scarlet Pimpernel with old "I Love Lucy" routines. Also, his pet ant just died in a tragic accident.

VOICEOVER #1 (V.O.)  
That was no accident, it was deliberate insecticide! That insane hunter shot him in cold blood just so he could mount his head on a wall! The same hunter who last week sliced my pet bee in half!

VOICEOVER #2 (V.O.)  
Well there's no need to take it out on the program!

VOICEOVER #1 (V.O.)  
Don't you repress me! I'll take it out on whoever I bloody well want to!

_ The argument between voiceover announcers becomes too incoherent to make out anything specific, and then it drops in volume until it can no longer be heard. Then a giant animated foot suddenly kicks the spinning BBC globe off-screen. Animation shows the globe has now become a ball in a soccer game being played by animated historical figures taken from paintings or photographs, figures such as René Descartes, Queen Victoria, Venus de Milo, and Winston Churchill. The ball is finally head-butted off-screen by the animated head of Reginald Maudling._

_SCENE 2 – EXTERIOR, GOAL, REAL SOCCER FIELD_

_ The ball rolls on-screen at a real soccer field, toward one of the goals. Just before it rolls into the goal, it's stopped by someone's foot. Pan upwards and outwards to show the foot belongs to the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET, sticking his foot out from behind his usual desk. He retracts his foot, picks up the ball, and places it on the side of his desk. He then turns toward the camera:_

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
And now for something completely different.

_SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, OPPOSITE GOAL, SAME SOCCER FIELD_

_ The IT'S MAN, wearing a tattered soccer uniform, is guarding the other team's goal._

IT'S MAN  
It's –

_ A fast-moving soccer ball suddenly hits him in the gut, bowling him over._

_TITLE SEQUENCE_

_VOICEOVER_

_RC Gumby Productions presents:_

"_The Three Muscatels."_

_Based upon the comedy of Monty Python._

_And upon the novel __The Three Musketeers__, by Alexander Dumas._

_Yeah, right!_

_Title sequence ends._

_TITLE CARDS, in sequence:_

"_EPISODE 2"_

"_HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE STORY"_

_Title cards end.  
_

_SCENE 4 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS, UXBRIDGE ROAD, PARIS_

_ The standoff between Roquefort's forces and D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels is exactly as we saw it at the end of Episode 1._

VOICEOVER #3  
When we last left our heroes, D'Ark-Onion and the Three Muscatels, they were being threatened by Captain Roquefort of the Cardinal's Elite Guards, barely a swallow's flight away from the royal palace itself.  
(pregnant pause)  
Again, that's an African swallow's flight away, or two European swallow's flights –

ROQUEFORT  
(into camera)  
Shut up!

D'ARK-ONION  
I'm not giving up my sword! I haven't even broken it in yet!

ROQUEFORT  
I'll be more than happy to break it for you! You filthy, uncouth Muscatels are the sorriest excuse for royal protectors this country ever knew! Prison is too good for you! You ought to be tarred, feathered, ground up into compost, and *then* thrown into prison! As cesspool filler!

PORTHOLE  
Now wait a minute, that's going too far! I thought dueling in a No Dueling Zone just meant a fifty franc fine, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

_ A sudden, intense dramatic chord is heard as three men in red cardinals' robes suddenly leap out from behind the double-gate of the ministry entrance. These men are CARDINALS XIMINEZ, BIGGLES, and FANG, all of whom glare fiercely at the men already on the scene. Ximinez takes the lead._

XIMINEZ  
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!  
(folds his arms for dramatic effect, continues in a rapid voice)  
Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear! Fear and surprise – our *two* weapons are fear and surprise! And ruthless efficiency – our *three* weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency! And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope – ah, *four* weapons!  
(gets frustrated)  
Amongst our weapons are fear, surprise, ru- amongst our *weaponry* are such elements as fear -  
(unfolds his arms in frustration)  
I'll come in again.

_ The three Cardinals rush back into the gate. D'Ark-Onion, the Muscatels, Roquefort, and the elite guard look at each other in confusion, and then Porthole sighs and repeats his previous line:_

PORTHOLE  
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

_ With the same intense musical chord, the Cardinals leap back out from the gate._

XIMINEZ  
Nooo-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and a night out with a naval – Oh! . . . .  
(frustrated again)  
It's no good, I'm sorry.  
(to Cardinal Biggles)  
You'll have to say it.

BIGGLES  
(surprised)  
What?

XIMINEZ  
You'll have to say, "Our chief weapons are."

BIGGLES  
Oh, I couldn't say that, I -

_ Ximinez pushes Biggles and Fang back behind the gate. The rest of the men present sigh or shake their heads in frustration, and finally Porthole says:_

PORTHOLE  
(bored)  
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

_ The intense musical chord sounds again as the three Cardinals once again leap out from the gate, but this time Biggles takes the lead, reluctantly, unsure of himself._

BIGGLES  
Uh . . *Nobody* . . . uh . .

XIMINEZ  
(to Biggles, low voice)  
Expects.

BIGGLES  
Expects. Nobody expects the . . . uh, Spanish . . uh . .

XIMINEZ  
(to Biggles, low voice but impatient)  
Inquisition.

_ Biggles clears his throat, thinking he's got it now._

BIGGLES  
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect it –

XIMINEZ  
(interrupts him)  
Our chief weapon.

BIGGLES  
Our chief weapon is . . . surprise, uh . .

_ Ximinez throws up his hands and pushes his way past Biggles._

XIMINEZ  
Stop, stop! Never mind! Our chief weapon is surprise, blah blah blah. Now, Cardinal Fang, read the charges!

_ With an evil grin, Fang pulls out a long list and unfurls it to read._

FANG  
Two francs for a bottle of wine, four francs for champagne.

_Ximinez pulls a notepad and pencil out of his robe sleeves, and turns to the swordsmen._

XIMINEZ  
What'll you have?

ASSHOLE  
Wine, please!

_ Ximinez begins writing down the order._

XIMINEZ  
If I may recommend, we have some lovely Australian table wines in our cellar, although the Melbourne Yellow is rather heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat...

_ While Ximinez continues saying recommendations, FADE to the next scene:_

_SCENE 5 – INTERIOR, INN, PARIS_

_ D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole sit together at a long table, sipping tall glasses of wine provided by a large, shared decanter on the table. Judging by their reactions, the wine is very good._

ASSHOLE  
(sighs loudly in delight)  
Nothing like a good glass of Chateau du Chassolier, eh Airhole?

AIRHOLE  
Quite right, Asshole!

PORTHOLE  
Who'd of thought, twenty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau du Chassolier, eh?

D'ARK-ONION  
Yes. In those days, we were lucky to have the price of a cup of tea.

PORTHOLE  
A cup of cold tea.

AIRHOLE  
Without milk or sugar.

PORTHOLE  
Or tea. In a cracked cup and all.

ASSHOLE  
Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper.

PORTHOLE  
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

D'ARK-ONION  
But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

AIRHOLE  
*Because* we were poor. My father used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."

ASSHOLE  
He was right. I was happier then, and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.

PORTHOLE  
House? You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all 26 of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

AIRHOLE  
You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in a corridor!

D'ARK-ONION  
Oh, we used to *dream* of living in a corridor! Would've been a palace to us! We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us. House? Fah!

ASSHOLE  
Well, when I say house, it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.

AIRHOLE  
We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake.

D'ARK-ONION  
You were lucky to have a lake! There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!

PORTHOLE  
Cardboard box?

D'ARK-ONION  
Yes.

PORTHOLE  
You were lucky! We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank! We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down at the mill fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six centimes a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

AIRHOLE  
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at the mill for two centimes a month, come home, and dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle if we were lucky!

D'ARK-ONION  
But of course, we had it tough! We used to have get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick the road clean with our tongues, grab two bits of cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at the mill for one centime every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a bread knife!

ASSHOLE  
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulfuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day at the mill, and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah!

AIRHOLE  
And you try and tell the young people of today that – they won't believe you!

_ They all agree with the sentiment and pour themselves another round._

_SCENE 6 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE QUEEN'S CHAMBERS, ROYAL PALACE_

_ CARDINAL MICHELIN approaches the closed doors of the chambers of QUEEN MARIE THERESE. With Michelin are two of his henchmen, each of whom is a GUMBY, a classic Monty Python character who wears a cardigan sweater vest, loose-fitting pants with suspenders, a white handkerchief on his head, round metal-rimmed eyeglasses, and a Charlie Chaplin moustache. Befitting the character, both of them, L. N. GUMBY and P. Q. GUMBY, stand next to Michelin with their jaws hanging slack and knuckles dragging, exposing that they have the collective I.Q. of either a tub of margarine or a dead crab._

_ Michelin turns to his Gumbys._

MICHELIN  
(quietly)  
And now men, we begin my master plan for destroying the Muscatels and taking the throne of France for my own.

_ A caption overlay begins flashing "OBVIOUS EXPOSITION" as Michelin continues:_

MICHELIN  
(quietly)  
As you know, for Part One of my plan, you go into the Queen's chambers, knock her out, and take her to the secret hiding place I have arranged for.

P. Q. GUMBY  
(too loudly)  
We're going to kidnap the Queen!

L. N. GUMBY  
(also too loudly)  
Kidnap the Queen!

P. Q. GUMBY  
Kidnap the Queen!

_ Michelin loudly and frantically shushes both of them._

MICHELIN  
(harsh, hissing whisper)  
Kidnap the Queen *quietly*!

L. N. GUMBY  
(still too loudly)  
Sorry!  
(even louder)  
IS THIS BETTER?

_ Michelin suddenly has an awful headache._

MICHELIN  
(pained)  
Just go in and get her!

BOTH GUMBYS  
Okay!

_ The Gumbys open the door, enter the chambers, and close the doors behind them, although the P.O.V. remains with Michelin waiting outside the chambers._

P. Q. GUMBY (O.S.)  
Are you Queen Marie Therese?

MARIE (O.S.)  
Yes.

_ From inside the chambers, we start hearing the numerous sounds of struggle from inside, including slaps, kicks, hits, clobbers, and screams. These sounds continue uninterrupted for quite a long time, then for even longer. After about half a minute, Michelin begins to think this is going on too long._

_Nearly a full minute later, the sounds come to a stop. Michelin, wondering if his henchmen have finally subdued the Queen, creeps toward the doors to see, but stops when fresh sounds of struggle start up from inside. For some reason, this time the sounds include hammering and sawing along with the previous slaps, kicks, screams, etc. And at one point Michelin swears he hears the sound of an electric drill. The sounds of struggle by now have gone on so long that it's getting ridiculous. Michelin glances at his pocket watch, wondering how much longer he'll have to stand out here, when suddenly the struggle sounds stop from within, so suddenly that Michelin does a double-take when he realizes. He approaches the doors and listens closely to see if it's finally over._

L. N. GUMBY (O.S.)  
I think she's unconscious!

QUEEN (O.S.)  
No I'm not!

_ The sudden crack of a gunshot and a fresh scream start up yet another round of struggling sounds – slaps, kicks, screams, smacks, drills, elephant trumpets [Elephant!], you name it. Michelin steps back in disgust, fearing this could go on forever._

_ FADE briefly to a clock with its hands spinning round and round much faster than normal._

_ FADE back to SCENE 4: Michelin is leaning against the far wall opposite the Queen's chambers, dozing off, with a few cobwebs stretching between him and the wall, while the sounds of struggle are *still* going on. He's startled awake when the sounds suddenly end, and this time – at last – the Gumbys exit the chambers. P. Q. GUMBY has the unconscious Queen over his shoulder._

P. Q. GUMBY  
Mission accomplish...shed!

MICHELIN  
(sarcastic)  
Congratulations. And to think you two have managed to overpower the Queen so quickly, in the world-record time of two hours and forty-three minutes.

_SCENE 7 – LETTER_

_ A handwritten letter appears onscreen, with VOICEOVER #4 (yes, yet another one) reading its contents:_

VOICEOVER #4  
Dear Sir:

As a loyal viewer, I must object to the excessive violence in the audio of that last scene! The very idea of hearing such vicious and horrifying treatment of a woman from behind a closed door fills me with dread about how today's TV programming is affecting the youth of our country! Why can't TV actually show us the violence that it's saturated with? Why should we be restricted to merely hearing the woman being attacked and beat up behind a closed door when a responsible television program would complement the sound effects with graphic visuals? That, to me, would be wholesome family entertainment!

Yours truly:

Gen. Kevin Phillips Bong (Mrs.)

P.S.

_ The sudden sound of a loud blow on the head interrupts the voiceover, however the letter continues with the word, read afterward by the voiceover:_

Ooooh!

_SCENE 8 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE QUEEN'S CHAMBERS, ROYAL PALACE_

_ Michelin now wields a large mallet._

MICHELIN  
Love that prop department.

_ Notices the Gumbys are still standing next to him, watching him with slack-jawed mindlessness._

MICHELIN  
Well, don't just stand there! Take her to the hideout!

BOTH GUMBYS  
Okay!

_ They turn to leave. The Queen suddenly wakes up._

MARIE  
I want more lines in the next episode!

MICHELIN  
Shut up!

_SCENE 9 – ANIMATION_

_ A cutout of the royal palace appears on screen in front of a simple, stylized background. Cutouts of the two Gumbys walk out of the palace, with their queenly cargo, to a nearby crossroads with a bus stop sign. An animated bus approaches the stop. L. N. Gumby holds up his hand, but the bus goes on by without stopping. L. N. Gumby hmm's in frustration. Another bus approaches. L. N. Gumby holds out his hand again, but as before the bus goes on by without stopping. L. N. Gumby hmm's in more frustration. A third bus approaches. This time, as the bus reaches the stop, L. N. Gumby telescopes his leg out across the road, and the bus trips over it, flipping over upside-down and grinding to a stop in the process. Both Gumbys carry the Queen into the bus, but unfortunately low voices from inside indicate that it's no longer able to move by conventional means. The voices in the bus discuss the matter and come to some agreement. And with:_

VOICES IN BUS  
One... two... three!

_ About two dozen legs suddenly break through the roof of the bus, lifting it up from the road, and they walk the bus off-screen to its next destination._

_ Now appearing on screen is a cutout of a Viking longboat, rowing itself along the crossroads in the opposite direction. The sounds of Viking song are heard in time to the rowing. The animation scene follows the longboat until it stops in front of a cutout of an inn, the same inn the Muscatels have been staying in since Scene 3. The singing stops, and several cutout Vikings step out of the longboat and enter the inn._

_SCENE 10 – INNTERIOR, IN, NEXT MORNING_

_ The VIKINGS, now live characters, come in through the front door and sit down at various tables scattered around the main dining room. At one table, D'Ark-Onion and the Three Muscatels have already sat down and are waiting for the innkeeper to come so they can order breakfast._

_ Before long, the INNKEEPER appears behind a large counter at the far end of the dining room. She is a middle-aged woman with graying hair wearing a large apron, a Monty Python character known as a "Pepperpot" woman. D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels notice her arrival._

ASSHOLE  
Morning!

INNKEEPER  
(in a man's imitation of a gravelly, high-pitched old woman's voice)  
Morning!

ASSHOLE  
What've you got for breakfast?

INNKEEPER  
Well, there's egg and bacon. Egg, sausage, and bacon. Egg and spam. Egg, bacon, and spam. Egg, bacon, sausage, and spam. Spam, bacon, sausage, and spam. Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam. Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and spam.

D'ARK-ONION  
Have you got anything without spam?

INNKEEPER  
Well, there's spam, egg, sausage, and spam. That's not got much spam in it.

D'ARK-ONION  
I don't want *any* spam.

AIRHOLE  
Why can't he have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage?

D'ARK-ONION  
That's got spam in it!

AIRHOLE  
Not as much as spam, egg, sausage, and spam.

D'ARK-ONION  
Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam?

INNKEEPER  
Eww!

D'ARK-ONION  
Whattaya mean, "Eww"? I don't like spam!

_ All the Vikings in the dining room start chanting in a kind of sing-song:_

VIKINGS  
Spam, spam, spam, spam!  
Spam, spam, spam, spam!  
Lovely spaaaaaam!  
Wonderful spaaaaaam!  
Lovely spaaaaaam!  
Wonderful spaaaaaam!

INNKEEPER  
Shut up!  
(starts banging a ladle violently on the table)  
Shut up! Shut up!

_ The Vikings reluctantly stop their song. The Innkeeper returns to the attention of the Muscatels._

INNKEEPER  
You can't have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam!

D'ARK-ONION  
Why not?

INNKEEPER  
Welllll, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam, and sausage then!

D'ARK-ONION  
I don't like spam!

AIRHOLE  
Now, don't make a fuss, I'll have your spam. I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam!

_ While Airhole is saying "spam" multiple times, the Vikings start singing their "Spam" song again. The Innkeeper starts banging her ladle again and yelling at them to shut up until they do._

INNKEEPER  
(to Porthole)  
Baked beans are off!

AIRHOLE  
Well, can I have spam instead?

INNKEEPER  
You mean, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, and spam?

_ The Vikings start singing "Spam" again._

AIRHOLE  
Yes.

INNKEEPER  
Eww!  
(to the Vikings, while banging her ladle again)  
Shut up! Shut up!

_ Another Viking bursts into the dining room._

VIKING  
The Queen has been kidnapped!

AIRHOLE  
What!

PORTHOLE  
(to the others)  
Quickly, the Queen needs us!

D'ARK-ONION  
But I can't ride! My cocoanuts got chipped last night!

ASSHOLE  
Don't worry, I know where we can get you a real horse. I have to stop there on the way to the palace anyway.

AIRHOLE  
Just as well breakfast is canceled. My fork was dirty...

_SCENE 11 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE A HORSE STABLE_

_ A large sign on the stable reads "National Horse Emporium". CUT to the stable's INTERIOR, where the HORSE TRADER is being held up by an armed ROBBER with a mask over his eyes._

HORSE TRADER  
For the last time, this is not a bank, it's a horse stable! We sell horses here!

ROBBER  
. . . I see.

_ The robber ponders the mix-up for a few moments, then:_

ROBBER  
Do you have any lupines, perhaps?

HORSE TRADER  
OUT!

_ The robber grudgingly leaves. Moments later, D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels enter the stable. Asshole pulls a horse in behind him on a lead. The horse's movements are unusually smooth, as if it's rolling on wheels instead of walking, and the horse as a whole is strangely stiff. The others stand back and watch as Asshole addresses the Trader._

ASSHOLE  
I wish to register a complaint! Hello, Miss!

TRADER  
Whattaya mean, Miss?

_ Pregnant pause._

ASSHOLE  
I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to complain about this horse.

TRADER  
I'm sorry, it's closing tim-

ASSHOLE  
Never mind that! I wish to complain about this horse, which I bought not half an hour ago from this very stable!

TRADER  
Oh yeah, the Norwegian Stallion! What's wrong with it?

ASSHOLE  
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

TRADER  
No, no, he's resting!

ASSHOLE  
Look, I know a dead horse when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

TRADER  
No, no, he's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable horse, the Norwegian Stallion, eh? Beautiful tail!

ASSHOLE  
The tail don't enter into it! He's stone dead!

TRADER  
No, no, he's resting.

ASSHOLE  
Alright then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up.

_ Asshole leans in close to one of the horse's ears._

ASSHOLE  
Hello, Mr. Horsey! I've got a nice fresh carrot for you –

_ The Trader suddenly smacks the horse's muzzle. The horse shifts slightly._

TRADER  
There, he moved!

ASSHOLE  
No he didn't, you shoved him!

TRADER  
I never!

_ The Trader shoves the horse again._

ASSHOLE  
Yes you did!

_ The Trader backs off, and Asshole leans right into the horse's ear._

ASSHOLE  
Hellooo, Horsey!  
(slaps horse's face)  
Wakey, wakey! This is your 9:00 alarm call!

_ Asshole repeatedly slaps the horse's face, and although it jerks backwards with each slap, it otherwise shows no reaction whatsoever._

ASSHOLE  
(to the Trader)  
Now that's what I call beating a dead horse.

TRADER  
He's stunned.

ASSHOLE  
"Stunned?"

TRADER  
Yeah, you stunned him just as he was waking up! Norwegian Stallions stun easily.

ASSHOLE  
Now look, don't play the slippery eel with me, this horse is definitely deceased! And when I bought it not half an hour ago you assured me its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long trot!

TRADER  
Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.

ASSHOLE  
"Pining for the fjords?" What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his side the moment I got him home?

TRADER  
The Norwegian Stallion prefers kicking on his side! Remarkable horse, isn't it, Squire? Beautiful tail!

ASSHOLE  
Look, I took the liberty of examining this horse when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason it had been standing up and moving in the first place was that it had iron bars with tiny wheels nailed to its legs.

TRADER  
Well of course it had iron bars! Listen, if I hadn't run the bars up its legs to stop its knees bending, it would've galloped up to the fence of my holding pen, kicked down the gate, and voom!

ASSHOLE  
"Voom?" This horse wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleeding demised!

TRADER  
No, no, he's pining!

ASSHOLE  
He's not pining, he's passed on! This horse is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't stood him up on iron bars, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's curled up his tootsies! He's shuffled off this mortal coil! He's run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!  
(beat)  
He fucking snuffed it!  
(beat)  
Vis-a-vis, the metabolic processes are at a loss! Any statements to the effect that this horse is still a going concern are from now on inoperative! This is an ex-horse!

TRADER  
Well, I'd better replace it then.

_ The Trader retreats to a back room._

ASSHOLE  
(mutters to the other Muscatels)  
You want to get anything done in this country, you have to complain 'til you're blue in the face!

_ The Trader returns to the counter._

ASSHOLE  
What's the news?

TRADER  
Well, I've had a look 'round back, and we're all out of Norwegian Stallions.

ASSHOLE  
I see! I see! I get the picture!

_ Pregnant pause._

TRADER  
I've got a penguin.

_ Asshole looks at him disbelievingly for a few seconds, but then:_

ASSHOLE  
Can it carry me?

TRADER  
Yeah.

_ After a few more seconds:_

ASSHOLE  
Right, I'll have that one then.

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_This episode performed by:  
D'ARK-ONION  
ASSHOLE  
PORTHOLE  
AIRHOLE  
CARDINAL MICHELIN  
CAPTAIN ROQUEFORT  
THE SPANISH INQUISITION -_

XIMINEZ (V.O.)  
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition-!

_SHUT UP! QUEEN MARIE THERESE  
P. Q. GUMBY  
L. N. GUMBY  
A HORSE TRADER  
__AN INNKEEPER  
A CONFUSED ROBBER  
SEVERAL VIKINGS_

_Also appearing:  
A DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING_

_The preceding program has been paid for by the following:_

_SCENE 12 – INTERIOR, INN_

_ The Vikings are all singing again:_

VIKINGS  
Spam, spam, spam, spam!  
Lovely spaaaaaam!  
Wonderful spaaaaaam!

_ The Innkeeper bangs her ladle._

INNKEEPER  
Shut up! Shut up!

_ The Vikings reluctantly stop singing._

INNKEEPER  
(mutters to self)  
Bloody Vikings.

_This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, Python Pictures Limited, and the Finland Tourism Board._

INNKEEPER (V.O.)  
Burma!

_. . . . . . Why'd you say Burma?_

INNKEEPER (V.O.)  
I panicked.


	4. The Meaning of the Life of the Grail

**Episode 3**

_SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, MILITARY COMMANDER'S OFFICE_

_ A British COLONEL stands at attention facing the camera, addressing it sternly._

COLONEL  
Good evening. It has come to my attention that for the past few episodes, this story has tended to become rather silly. The plot has been reduced to nothing more than a lame excuse for inserting a series of unrelated Monty Python sketches one after the other. Now, nobody likes a good comedy sketch more than I do.  
(beat)  
Except my wife, of course . . .  
(beat)  
And all of her friends . . .  
(beat)  
And of course Mr. Johnson . . .  
(beat)  
Come to think of it, *most* people like a good comedy sketch more than I do.  
Nevertheless, I want to assure the public that from here on out, this story is going to maintain a much higher standard of storytelling than has been going on up to this point. Right! On my mark, cue the introductory sketch for this episode!

_SCENE 2 – INTERIOR, OPERATING THEATER_

_ A DOCTOR and a NURSE stand over an operating table. The table has a patient lying on it, covered in a bed sheet, but the shot is close enough on the Doctor and Nurse that the patient's head and feet are off either side of the screen. The Doctor is preparing to start surgery when he and the nurse react to:_

COLONEL (V.O.)  
Wait for it!

_BACK to SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, MILITARY COMMANDER'S OFFICE_

COLONEL  
Right! Begin the . . . sketch!

_SCENE 2 – INTERIOR, OPERATING THEATER_

_ The DOCTOR and NURSE, after a brief reaction time, go back to standing over an operating table. The table has a patient lying on it, covered in a bed sheet, but the shot is close enough on the Doctor and Nurse that the patient's head and feet are off either side of the screen. The Doctor is preparing to start surgery._

DOCTOR  
Right, we're ready to begin. Knife, please.

_ The Nurse hands the Doctor a fairly good-sized knife, about the size of a bread knife. The Doctor looks at it scornfully and tosses it aside._

DOCTOR  
What kind of a knife is that? Gimme a big one!

_ The Nurse hands the Doctor one about twice the size of a carving knife. The Doctor then picks up a hand-held knife sharpener and starts slicing the two on each other repeatedly while gleefully saying:_

DOCTOR  
Oh, I do enjoy this!

_ The Doctor stops sharpening his huge knife and turns back to his patient. He roughly buries the knife almost up to its hilt near the patient's neck and slices all the way down toward the abdomen._

DOCTOR  
Perfect incision! Prepare to open.

_ As the Doctor pulls the enormous incision open, the shot pans backwards until we finally see the head of the patient. It's the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET, who turns his head toward the camera._

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
And now for something completely different.

_ To the surprise of him, the Doctor, and the Nurse, the IT'S MAN pokes his head out of the incision._

IT'S MAN  
It's -

_TITLE SEQUENCE_

_VOICEOVER_

_RC Gumby Productions presents: _

"_The Three Muscatels."_

_Based upon the comedy of Monty Python._

_And upon the novel __The Three Musketeers__, by Alexander Dumas._

_Who is now spinning in his grave._

_So is Graham Chapman._

_Title sequence ends._

_TITLE CARDS, in sequence:_

"_EPISODE 3"_

"_THE MEANING OF THE LIFE OF THE HOLY GRAIL"_

_SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, CITY SQUARE, OUTSIDE ROYAL PALACE, PARIS_

_ A large crowd of townspeople is gathered outside the palace, in view of a high balcony from which King Wouie occasionally addresses the crowd. The people in the crowd shuffle about impatiently or nervously. They've been waiting for some time now to hear of news regarding the kidnapped Queen Marie._

_ FOCUS on three of the most restless TOWNSPEOPLE._

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Still no sign of the King. How long is it?

TOWNSPERSON #2  
That's a rather personal question!

_ Townsperson #1 looks at #2 in dismay._

TOWNSPERSON #1  
You stupid git! I meant, how long has it been since we were all summoned to the palace! You've destroyed the atmosphere now!

TOWNSPERSON #2  
I'm sorry.

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Shut up! We'll start again.

_SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, CITY SQUARE, OUTSIDE ROYAL PALACE, PARIS_

_ A large crowd of townspeople is gathered outside the palace, in view of a high balcony from which King Wouie occasionally addresses the crowd. The people in the crowd shuffle about impatiently or nervously. They've been waiting for some time now to hear of news regarding the kidnapped Queen Marie._

_ FOCUS on three of the most restless TOWNSPEOPLE._

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Still no sign of the King. How long is it?

TOWNSPERSON #2  
Nearly half an hour since we were all summoned here.

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Half an hour! What could have befallen our beloved queen?

TOWNSPERSON #2  
We just have to hope the king will have some good news for us.  
(beat)  
I don't think I destroyed the atmosphere –

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Shut up!

TOWNSPERSON #2  
Well I don't think I did!

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Of course you did!

TOWNSPERSON #2  
You don't have to get rude -!

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Shut up! Shut up!

_SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, CITY SQUARE, OUTSIDE ROYAL PALACE, PARIS_

_ A large crowd of townspeople is gathered outside the palace, in view of a high balcony from which King Wouie occasionally addresses the crowd. The people in the crowd shuffle about impatiently or nervously. They've been waiting for some time now to hear of news regarding the kidnapped Queen Marie._

_ FOCUS on three of the most restless TOWNSPEOPLE._

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Still no sign of the King. How long is it?

TOWNSPERSON #2  
Nearly half an hour since we were all summoned here.

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Half an hour!

TOWNSPERSON #3  
Have we started again?

_ Townsperson #1 kicks #3 in the shin._

TOWNSPERSON #3  
OW!

_GROAN. SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, CITY SQUARE, OUTSIDE ROYAL PALACE, PARIS_

_ A large crowd of townspeople is gathered outside the palace, blah blah blah._

TOWNSPERSON #1  
*Still* no sign of the King. How long –

_ Fanfare suddenly erupts from the balcony._

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Oh damn, too late! Here he comes!

_ As the fanfare reaches its climax, King Wouie XIV steps onto the balcony and faces his subjects._

WOUIE  
My fewwow Fwenchmen, I bwing you twagic news! As you know, my wovewy wife, Queen Mawie Thewese, has been stowen fwom the pawace! Howevew, I have wesponded wapidwy by sending aw my couwageous Muscatews faw and wide to wook undew evewy nook and cwanny fwom Bouwogne to Wyon. And I pwomise you they wiw wecovew and wetuwn youw Queen vewy soon!

_ King Wouie is too busy relaying the news to notice the crowd is trying desperately to stop giggling, with no luck._

WOUIE (cont.)  
I wiww now wisten to any questions you wish to inquiwe wegawding this diwemma. You, in fwont, you have a question?

TOWNSPERSON #1  
(through giggles)  
Yes, whom did you say was kidnapped?

WOUIE  
As I bewieve I wecentwy wepowted, my wovewy wife, Queen Mawie Thewese.

_ The crowd giggles even more._

WOUIE  
Anothew question?

TOWNSPERSON #2  
(through harder giggles)  
Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you. Who was kidnapped again?

WOUIE  
I bewieve I told you, my wovewy wife, Queen Mawie Thewese!

_ The crowd's giggling becomes outright laughter, and now Wouie begins to realize it._

WOUIE  
(shouts)  
Awe you waughing at me?

_ The crowd suddenly stops laughing._

CROWD  
(in unison)  
No your Majesty, we are not laughing at you!

TOWNSPERSON #3  
I am.

TOWNSPERSON #1  
Shh!

WOUIE  
Awwight, that's enough questions, this addwess is officiawwy concwuded. Now, if you wiww excuse me, it's Fwiday, so it's time fow my weekwy wabbit hunt.

_Wouie utters an Elmer Fudd laugh and silly walks from the balcony._

_SCENE 4 – INTERIOR, CARDINAL MICHELIN'S CHAMBERS_

_ Cardinal Michelin backs away from his own balcony in anger, having just finished listening to Wouie's speech. With him in the chambers is his most trusted henchman, L. N. GUMBY. His jaw is hanging open and his eyes are once again as blank as those of a brain-dead zombie._

MICHELIN  
(shaking with rage)  
Oooooh, ah hate that Wouie! But at weast pawt two of my pwan is now – I MEAN – oh great, now he's got *me* doing it!

_ Michelin turns to Gumby._

MICHELIN  
It's time to act! Malady de Whiner is guarding the Queen in the secret hiding place I've arranged. King Phooey the Zeroth has scattered his precious, plastered Muscatels all over the countryside searching for her, thus leaving himself virtually undefended. So now is the perfect time to knock his royal rump off the throne and claim it for my own! You are going to follow the King until he's alone. Once he is, approach him, gain his confidence, and when the moment is right, grab him and bring him back to me! Understood?

_ Long, pregnant pause as Gumby continues to stare at Michelin with a completely blank, open-mouthed stare. Finally:_

GUMBY  
(shouts)  
My brain hurts!

_ Even longer, pregnant pause as Michelin stares pityingly at Gumby, holding it for so long as to expect the audience to start laughing at the long pause alone. Finally, Michelin turns to the camera._

MICHELIN  
What do you want? That pretty much says it all.

_ Michelin turns back to Gumby._

MICHELIN  
Could you at least *pretend* you understand?

_ Another long, pregnant pause as Gumby continues to stare at Michelin with a completely blank, open-mouthed stare. Finally:_

GUMBY  
"Pretend"?  
(another long pause)  
Oh! Okay!

MICHELIN  
Then get going!

_ Gumby turns to leave. He approaches the wall about three feet from the door and tries to walk through it. He's unable to do anything but slam his body into it repeatedly, with no apparent effect on him._

MICHELIN  
Hey!

_ Gumby stops slamming his body into the wall and turns to Michelin._

MICHELIN  
(frustrated impatience)  
Try going through the *door*!

_ It takes Gumby several seconds but finally the advice penetrates into his tiny little brain._

GUMBY  
Oh!

_ Gumby shuffles to the door and slams his body into that. This time, the door breaks off its hinges under the force of impact and Gumby is able to walk through and exit the room._

_ An exasperated Michelin starts rubbing his temple._

MICHELIN  
My brain hurts too.

_SCENE 5_

_ A TITLE CARD appears onscreen saying "INTERMISSION"._

VOICEOVER  
There will now be a short intermission.

_SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE_

_ D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels ride their horses over a distant hill, coming toward the foreground. D'Ark-Onion signals for them to stop briefly just at the bottom of the hill._

D'ARK-ONION  
You're sure the Queen is being held prisoner in that castle up ahead?

ASSHOLE  
My informants are seldom wrong. She's there, I'm sure of it!

PORTHOLE  
Then let's hurry!

D'ARK-ONION  
Ah, just one more question. Asshole, where did you get the horse? I thought the Emporium in the last episode only had penguins.

ASSHOLE  
I managed to get this horse in a trade-off out of the budget for the next production.

_SCENE 7 - EXTERIOR, FOREST GLADE_

_ SNOW WHITE and PRINCE CHARMING struggle to fit both of themselves on the back of a penguin._

SNOW WHITE  
For this I ate a poison apple?

_SCENE 8 – EXTERIOR, FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE_

_ A castle stands in the middle of an open field. D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels gaze upon it from afar._

D'ARK-ONION  
So which castle is it?

_ They all turn to look at a nearby sign, on which is printed in large letters:_

CAMELOT  
HOME OF THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE  
Floor shows twice nightly  
Casino open Noon to Midnight

_SCENE 9 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ Malady de Whiner supervises two Gumbys, P. Q. and a new one, B. O. The Gumbys grip Queen Marie firmly between them by her arms._

MARIE  
When the King hears of this abduction, you'll all pay dearly!

MALADY  
I hope he takes credit cards, I'm short on cash.  
(to the Gumbys)  
Lock her in the cell!

_ Surprisingly, or maybe just to keep the episode's runtime down, the Gumbys immediately understand what Malady means and frog-march Marie into one of the cells._

MARIE  
When the hell am I gonna get some decent lines in this damn story!

_SCENE 10 – EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels arrive near the castle's entrance and see a long line of people waiting to get inside. The entrance has a ticket booth and price listings divided into age groups. People in the line include so-called "pepperpots," Vikings, armored knights, Gumbys, and many other icons of Monty Python sketches._

PORTHOLE  
How're we going to get in? Even if the line was shorter, those prices are insane!

ASSHOLE  
If we had a distraction, we could sneak past the guards at the gate. Airhole, you think you could manage it?

AIRHOLE  
Leave it to me, Asshole.

_ Alone, Airhole walks up to the guard at the ticket booth._

AIRHOLE  
Hello. How's business?

GUARD  
Can't complain, unless of course you don't move back to the end of the line.

AIRHOLE  
Oh, I'm not cutting, I just wanted to look at the outside up close for a bit beforehand.  
(looks up at the castle wall)  
Beautiful construction. Yes, I saw the advert for this place in the color supplement and decided right then and there that this is where I wanted to go on holiday.

GUARD  
You're really looking forward to the tour, then?

AIRHOLE  
Oh yes, I've been on package tours many times, and so your advert really caught my eye.

GUARD  
Ah, good.

AIRHOLE  
Yes, you're quite right. I'm fed up with being treated like asheep. I mean, what's the point of goin' abroad if you're just another tourist carted 'round in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs-

GUARD  
Yes -

AIRHOLE (cont.)  
-from Kettering and Coventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans with their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea: "Oh, they don't make it properly here, do they? Not like-

GUARD  
Absolute-

AIRHOLE  
-at home," and stopping at Majorca Bedegel's selling fish and chips and Whatney's Red Barrel and calamaries and two veg and sitting in their cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all-

GUARD  
Yes-yes -

AIRHOLE  
-over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh 'cause they overdid it on the first day...

_SCENE 11 – INTERIOR, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_Asshole, Porthole, and D'Ark-Onion enter the main hall of Camelot Castle and find a long row of kiosks with prominent labels just over their windows._

D'ARK-ONION  
They're probably holding the Queen in the dungeons. Wonder where they are?

_Camera pans slowly across a long row of kiosks on one side of the hall. Prominent labels display the kiosk names in sequence: "ADMISSIONS", "RESERVATIONS", "COMPLAINTS", "ARGUMENTS", "INFORMATION"._

ASSHOLE  
Let's ask at the Information kiosk.

_ Asshole steps up to the kiosk window and is greeted by an angry CLERK._

CLERK  
(shouts angrily)  
Whaddayou want?

ASSHOLE  
Hello, we're looking for -

CLERK  
*Don't* give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

ASSHOLE  
What!

CLERK  
Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!

ASSHOLE  
Look, I came here for information! I'm not going to just -

CLERK  
(suddenly calms down)  
Oh! I'm sorry, but this is Abuse.

ASSHOLE  
What? No it isn't, it's Information! Look!

_ Asshole points to the sign above the window. The Clerk leans out and sees it for himself._

CLERK  
Good Lord, I'm in the wrong booth!

_ The Clerk pulls back through the window and disappears. D'Ark-Onion overheard the entire exchange and is incensed._

D'ARK-ONION  
He can't talk to us like that!

_ D'Ark-Onion marches over to the Complaints kiosk and addresses the CLERK (#2) inside._

D'ARK-ONION  
I want to complain!

CLERK #2  
You want to complain? Look at these shoes! I've only had 'em three weeks, and the heels are worn right through! If you complain, nothing happens, you might as well not bother. I've got a bad back, and it's not a good day, and I'm sick and tired of this kiosk -

_ D'Ark-Onion has already left the kiosk in frustration. Porthole suddenly runs up to rejoin him and Asshole._

PORTHOLE  
Men, I've found out where the dungeons are! Up on the fourth floor.

D'ARK-ONION  
I though dungeons were always down in the basement.

ASSHOLE  
Yes, having the basement be upstairs sounds a little backwards.

PORTHOLE  
True, but then this is a backwards time. The stairway's at the other end of the hall. Up to the dungeons, Muscatels!

ASSHOLE and D'ARK-ONION  
(in unison)  
Up to the dungeons!

_ They march further down the main hall. The camera follows them as they pass in front of a new set of kiosks. This set has an overall label, "CONCESSIONS." Just over the window of each kiosk is an individual label. In sequence as the Muscatels pass them, they are: "BEVERAGES", "CANDY", "BURGERS", "POPCORN",  
The Muscatels continue onward, but camera pan stops on the last kiosk, "ALBATROSS", and the CLERK (#3) inside has one of the giant seabirds on a platter resting on the kiosk window sill._

CLERK #3  
(calls out)  
Albatross!

_SCENE 12 – EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE _

AIRHOLE  
And being herded into endless hotel Mirramars and Bellevueses and Continentals with their modern international luxury roomettes and draft Red Barrel and swimming-

GUARD  
Yes, I know-

AIRHOLE  
-pools full of fat German businessmen pretending they're acrobats, forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging into the queues, and if you're not-

GUARD  
That's very nice-

AIRHOLE  
-at your table spot-on seven, you miss the bowl of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup: the first item on the menu of international cuisine. Every Thursday night in the hotel there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring a tiny emaciated dancer with nine-inch hips and some bloated fat lady-

GUARD  
Yes-yes -

AIRHOLE  
-with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big ass presenting flamenco for foreigners, an adenoidal typist from Birmingham with flabby white legs and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy, bandy-legged waiters called Manuel...

_SCENE 13 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE DUNGEON ENTRANCE, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ Asshole struggles to open the door, but it's locked tight._

ASSHOLE  
I can't open the door. It's locked tight!

_ Cut that out!_

ASSHOLE  
Porthole, D'Ark-Onion, we'll have to try breaking it down.

_ They all position themselves in readiness to ram their shoulders into the door._

ASSHOLE  
Ready? One, two, five -!

PORTHOLE  
Three.

ASSHOLE  
- three!

_The Muscatels plow into the door repeatedly until it breaks down. Entering the room, CUT to its INTERIOR, and they suddenly stop short and look in horror at what's inside._

_CUT to show the Muscatels are staring at MR. CREOSOTE, an impossibly fat man in an equally wide tuxedo, chained up next to QUEEN MARIE. A large bucket sits next to Creosote._

CREOSOTE  
(in a low-pitched, sick-sounding voice)  
It's about bloody time you got here! I've been stuck up here so long, I think I'm gonna throw up!

_Creosote leans toward the bucket, and barfs buckets into the bucket. The Muscatels are beyond disgusted. Porthole turns to a direction just off-camera._

PORTHOLE  
CUT! CUT! Welles, get over here!

_ From just off camera, WELLES the director walks onto the set, wearing a traditional director's ensemble from the 1930's, and carrying an old-fashioned megaphone. The Director's ensemble is close to busting at every seam, since he's almost as impossibly fat as Creosote._

WELLES  
That's *Mr.* Welles to you! And what's the matter!

PORTHOLE  
(points at Creosote)  
Are you insane! Why'd you put *this* character into the story?

_ Welles looks at Creosote, then back at Porthole._

WELLES  
What's wrong with him?

PORTHOLE  
"What's wrong with him"! Our rating is close enough to NC-17 as it is, but *this* freak is the most offensive character Monty Python ever created! He's gross, he's rude, he's fat beyond belief, and he's not funny at all! All he ever does is throw up gallons of fake vomit into a bucket, when he's not drooling it all over himself or spraying it on other people! What the hell is so funny about that!

WELLES  
What do you mean, he's "fat"?  
(beat)  
Besides, the character of Mr. Creosote is the only representative this story has from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life! Without him, this wouldn't be a complete tribute!

ASSHOLE  
What do you mean, *he's* the only thing from The Meaning of Life? What happened to the musical number about sperm?

_ Welles turns to look at Marie, and points at her with exasperation._

WELLES  
*She* wouldn't let us do it unless we also did a musical number about eggs!

MARIE  
Hey, do you know how sexist the Monty Python troupe was? They even had men play most of the women's roles! How is *that* supposed to be funny!

CREOSOTE  
Aw fuck it, there she goes again. If it's not about the male chauvinism, it's about the ethnic and nationalistic stereotypes, or the attitudes toward different sexual orientations. Political correctness makes me want to puke my guts out!

_ Creosote bends over the bucket again, and loses another meal into it._

MARIE  
(nauseous)  
Get me out of here before the Prince of Puke has company over the bucket!

WELLES  
I didn't have this much trouble from the actors in "Citizen Kane"! Now look, we're already behind schedule, so just do the scene and gripe later!

_ ROQUEFORT and several of the Cardinal's guards suddenly appear._

ROQUEFORT  
Not so fast!

MARIE  
(rolls her eyes)  
*Now* what?

WELLES  
Roquefort, what are you doing! We haven't had your cue yet!

ROQUEFORT  
Sod the bleedin' cue! I am arresting you for impersonating the great film director Orson Welles!

WELLES  
What! I *am* Orson Welles!

ROQUEFORT  
Who *died* in 1985!

"WELLES"  
(deflates)  
It's a fair cop.

ROQUEFORT  
You made one fatal mistake, my fine fellow! You didn't count on the fact that I am my department's foremost expert on the great film director Orson Welles!

_ Roquefort starts wandering about the room as he continues:_

ROQUEFORT  
(continues)  
Who got his first start in acting at the Gate Theater in Dublin in 1931. After subsequent acting roles in off-Broadway productions in America, he began mounting his own productions, featuring actors from the Gate Theater and from the Todd School for Boys from which he graduated. Teaming up with John Houseman of the Federal Theater Project, they eventually formed the Mercury Theater and produced stage plays and radio programs. Which brings us to his radio adaptation of "War of the Worlds" in 1938, which famously caused thousands of people to run panicking into the streets of -

_ Roquefort notices "Welles", D'Ark-Onion, and the Muscatels walking toward the dungeon door._

ROQUEFORT  
(shouts)  
Where do you think you're going?

PORTHOLE  
Well, we can see you're busy, so we're just stepping out for a coffee.

WELLES  
And I have to phone Hollywood about my new idea for a movie about –

ROQUEFORT  
Shut up! Take him away, Beryl!

_ One of the guards grabs Welles and leads him off-screen._

ROQUEFORT  
(to the Muscatels)  
And as for you, my not-so-fine fellows!

_ He and the remaining guards draw their swords._

ROQUEFORT  
En garde!

D'ARK-ONION  
Oh, bloody hell!

PORTHOLE  
Not yet, but give it a few moments.

_SCENE 14 - EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE_

AIRHOLE  
And once a week, there's an excursion to the local Roman ruins to buy cherry-ade and melted ice creams and bleeding Whatney's Red Barrel. And one evening you visit the so-called typical restaurant with local color and atmosphere, and you sit next to a party of people from Riddick who keep singing, "Taray malinos, taray malinos," and complaining about the food: "It's so-

GUARD  
Shut up.

AIRHOLE  
-greasy here, isn't it?" And you get cornered by some drunken green grocer from Luton with an instamatic and Dr. Scholl's sandals and Tuesday's Daily Express, and he-

GUARD  
Shut up, please.

AIRHOLE  
-drones on and on and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up all over the Cuban Libres...

GUARD  
Please will you shut up.

_SCENE 15 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO_

_ A "Pepperpot" woman, MRS. PREVIEW, sits on a straight-backed chair facing the camera._

MRS. PREVIEW  
Well! D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels are all in a pretty tight spot, aren't they? And coming up next in our story, we'll see whether or not they can escape from Capt. Roquefort and rescue the Queen, and we'll also see Cardinal Michelin's plans finally coming to fruition! So don't fail to see the next episode of this exciting adventure!

_ Another Pepperpot woman, MRS. REVIEW, steps onto camera and sits in the empty chair next to Mrs. Preview._

MRS. REVIEW  
'Allo, Mrs. Preview!

MRS. PREVIEW  
'Allo, Mrs. Review! Enjoying the show, are you?

MRS. REVIEW  
Welllll, could be better. Mind you, the classic Python sketches are 'andled very well, and the overall narrative forms a surprisingly cohesive thread from one sketch to the next. But I must say the plot itself is just too simple, too formulaic.

MRS. PREVIEW  
Oh, but there's a rather clever twist coming up two episodes from now involving the King's imprisonment at the 'ands of the Cardinal.

MRS. REVIEW  
That's what you said last week about the entrance 'all of Camelot Castle in *this* episode. Turned out to just be pieces of two more sketches sown together!

MRS. PREVIEW  
Moan, moan, moan!

MRS. REVIEW  
And another thing, the ending of this episode isn't strong enough by a long shot! Two old ladies giving spoilers for the next episodes and complaining about the last ones? Bor-ing!

MRS. PREVIEW  
Well, what kind of an ending *do* you want?

MRS. REVIEW  
Wellllll, I've always liked the ominous fade-out with dramatic background music.

_ Dramatic background music starts playing as the scene begins fading to black._

MRS. PREVIEW  
Noooo, it's been done!

_ Scene suddenly reverts back to full light and the music cuts off._

MRS. REVIEW  
Well, what about freezin' on the last image of the cliff-'anger as the end credits roll?

_ Scene CUTS to frozen image of the end of Scene 14: Airhole still talking to the Guard outside._

MRS. REVIEW (V.O.)  
Not *that* one!

_ Scene CUTS to frozen image of the end of Scene 13: Roquefort and the Elite Guard confronting the other Muscatels. End music begins playing and a few credits roll before suddenly CUTTING back to Mrs. Preview and Mrs. Review:_

MRS. PREVIEW  
Noooo!

MRS. REVIEW  
Well, there's teasing the next episode with the question of whether or not the 'eroes will survive –

MRS. PREVIEW  
I just did that!

MRS. REVIEW  
(fed up)  
Oh, intercourse! Let's just end the episode.

_ Scene abruptly goes black._

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_This episode performed by:  
JUST ABOUT EVERYONE_

_Also appearing:  
NUMBER 7: THE FOOT  
NUMBER 8: THE OTHER FOOT  
NUMBER 31: THE END_

_This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, with thanks to Python Pictures Limited and A&E Home Video. Kiss kiss.  
_


	5. Duel Personalities

**Episode 4**

_SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO_

_ The COLONEL from the beginning of Episode 3 stands at attention before the camera again._

COLONEL  
Good evening. In the last episode, I gave explicit instructions that this production must show a significant increase in quality of storytelling, and yet it has continued to be nothing more than a silly exercise in stringing otherwise totally unrelated comedy sketches together! I must warn you now that continued failure to present an intelligent narrative will not be tolerated! Right, now for the benefit of those who for whatever reason might have missed the last episode, here are a few brief scenes from that episode to bring you up to speed.

_SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE_

AIRHOLE  
And sending tinted postcards of places they don't realize they haven't visited to all at number 22: "Weather wonderful, our room marked with an X. Food very greasy, but we found a charming place hidden away in the back streets where they serve fish and chips and Whatney's Red Barrel and cheese and onion crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe its because I'm a Londoner", and-

GUARD  
Shut up!

AIRHOLE  
-spending four days on the tarmac at Luton airport on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried Whatney's sandwiches, and there's nowhere to sleep-

GUARD  
PLEASE!

AIRHOLE  
-and the kids are vomiting and throwing up on the plastic flowers and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour although your-

GUARD  
SHUT UP!

AIRHOLE  
-plane is still in Iceland waiting to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can pick you up on the tarmac at 3 AM in the bloody morning and you sit on the tarmac until six because of "unforeseen difficulties", i.e.-

GUARD  
I CAN'T BEAR IT!

AIRHOLE  
-the permanent strike of the Air Traffic Control in Paris, and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at eight...

GUARD  
AAAAHH!

_SCENE 3 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO_

COLONEL  
Right! That is not at all what I meant! Now I am ordering this story to stop all this silliness and get on with the plot! On my mark, cut to the Man in the Dinner Jacket scene to open this episode! Mark!

_SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, TROPICAL BEACH_

_ For the background music, a slow, soft instrumental of "A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody" begins playing in the background. The first shot is of a beautiful young lady posing seductively in a bikini. The camera holds on her for several seconds, then slowly pans left to another beautiful young bikini model. After another several seconds, the camera resumes panning slowly left, until stopping on a third bikini model for several seconds. After this, slowly pan left again to a fourth bikini model. After several seconds on her, the camera again resumes a slow pan left._

_This time, the camera stops on the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET, who reclines on the top of his desk, posing seductively toward the camera and wearing only a bikini. The background music abruptly stops._

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
And now for something completely different.

_SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, another section of TROPICAL BEACH_

_ The IT'S MAN stands on the beach, wearing only a bikini._

IT'S MAN  
It's –

_TITLE SEQUENCE_

_VOICEOVER_

_RC Gumby Productions presents:_

"_The Three Muscatels."_

_Based upon the comedy of Monty Python._

_And upon the novel __The Three Musketeers__, by Alexander Dumas._

_ Voiceover starts choking on his last line._

_Title sequence ends._

_TITLE CARDS, in sequence:_

"_EPISODE 4"_

"_DUEL PERSONALITIES"_

_Title cards end.  
_

_SCENE 6_

_ The "INTERMISSION" card appears._

VOICEOVER  
There will now be a medium-sized intermission.

_ After a somewhat longer time than the previous intermission took, the intermission is interrupted when an animated hand plucks the "MISS" from the word "INTERMISSION". Immediately cut to a reproduction of the famous "Mona Lisa" painting, in which the hand positions the "MISS" at the upper left corner of the painting and then disappears. Another hand appears and positions the word "RENAISSANCE" at the painting's upper right corner so as to make the caption "MISS RENAISSANCE." Mona Lisa then pulls her cloak open to reveal a bikini underneath and her mouth moves in time to a female voiceover:_

MONA LISA  
My hobbies include hiking and swimming, and working with underprivileged children.

VOICEOVER #2  
Get off!

_ An animated tomato splatters all over the painting._

_SCENE 7 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ MR. CREOSOTE and QUEEN MARIE are still shackled to the dungeon wall._

CREOSOTE  
God, animated intermissions make me vomit.

_ Creosote bends over the nearby bucket, and imitates Mt. Kilauea again. Roquefort can barely stand to look at him without becoming ill himself._

ROQUEFORT  
*Air* makes you vomit! I'd impale you first only I'm afraid of what might squirt out at me!

_ D'ARK-ONION and two of the MUSCATELS, ASSHOLE and PORTHOLE, are still being threatened by Roquefort and the Cardinal's guardsmen._

D'ARK-ONION  
Alright, I want to know one thing. Is this where we finally have the big swordfight scene everyone's been waiting for?

ASSHOLE and PORTHOLE  
(in unison)  
Yes.

D'ARK-ONION  
Good!

_ He and the Musketelles raise their swords and cross them._

ALL THREE  
(in unison)  
All for us, and nothing for you! BANZAI!

_ The big swordfight scene begins!_

_SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE_

AIRHOLE  
And when you get to Malaga airport everybody's swallowing Enterovioform tablets and queuing for the toilets and when you finally get to the hotel there's-

GUARD  
I'll ring the police...

AIRHOLE  
-no water in the taps, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet, and half the rooms are double-

GUARD  
I'll ring the police!

AIRHOLE  
-booked and you can't sleep anyway because of the permanent twenty-four-hour drilling of the foundations of the hotel next door – and you're plagued by appalling apprentice chemists from Ealing pretending to be-

GUARD  
Shut up!

AIRHOLE  
-hippies, and middle-class stockbrokers' wives busily buying identical holiday villas in suburban development plots just like Esher, in case the Labour government gets in again...

GUARD  
SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB!

_SCENE 9 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ The big swordfight scene continues!_

MARIE  
Watch where you're slashing, you prats! This costume's rented!

CREOSOTE  
This fight makes me sick!

MARIE  
(to Creosote)  
Oh, go take some Pepto Bismol!

_ One of the Cardinal's guard rushes Porthole. Porthole ducks, grabs the guard, and flips him over his body and out the open window just behind him._

_SCENE 10 – INTERIOR, OFFICE, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ Two CLERKS are sitting at a table across from each other, busy doing paperwork. A large picture window is in the immediate background. The guardsman that Porthole flipped out the dungeon window falls past the picture window. CLERK #1 looks up._

CLERK #1  
(to Clerk #2)  
Hey! Did you see that?

_ Clerk #2 looks up, distracted._

CLERK #2  
Hmm?

CLERK #1  
Someone just fell past that window.

_ Clerk #2 wasn't paying attention._

CLERK #2  
Sorry?

CLERK #1  
Someone just flew past the window.  
(points downward)  
That way.

_ Clerk #2 gives a slight "Hmm" and resumes his paperwork. Clerk #1 decides Clerk #2's reaction has a point, there's nothing to be done about it, shrugs and resumes his own work._

_SCENE 11 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ The massive swordfight continues. Another of the Cardinal's guard attacks Asshole, who copies Porthole's earlier maneuver and flips his attacker out an open window._

_SCENE 12 – INTERIOR, OFFICE, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ The guardsman Asshole flipped falls past the picture window. Clerk #1 looks up again._

CLERK #1  
Another one!

_ Clerk #2 looks up, distracted again._

CLERK #2  
What?

CLERK #1  
Another man just flew past, downwards!

_ Clerk #2 resumes his paperwork, unconcerned, but this time Clerk #1 doesn't think they should just brush it off._

CLERK #1  
Look, two people have just fallen past that window to their almost certain death!

CLERK #2  
(still unconcerned)  
Fine, fine.

CLERK #1  
(presses on)  
Look! Two people –

_ Another guardsman suddenly falls past the window._

CLERK #1  
- three people have just fallen past that window!

_ Clerk #2 ponders for a moment, then:_

CLERK #2  
Must be a swordfight.

_ Clerk #1 considers this and calms down._

CLERK #1  
Oh yeah.

_ Clerk #2 resumes work. Clerk #1 is about to do the same when yet another guardsman falls past._

CLERK #1  
Hey, that was Wilkins of D Squad.

CLERK #2  
No, that was Robertson.

CLERK #1  
Wilkins.

CLERK #2  
Robertson.

CLERK #1  
(insistent)  
Wilkins!

CLERK #2  
(insistent)  
Robertson!

_ Another man falls past the window._

CLERK #1  
*That* was Wilkins.

CLERK #2  
(nods in agreement)  
*That* was Wilkins. He was a good golfer, that Wilkins.

CLERK #1  
Yes, very good golfer. Rotten swordfighter. It'll be Parkinson next.

CLERK #2  
Betcha it won't.

_ Pregnant pause as Clerk #1 considers #2's prediction._

CLERK #1  
How much?

_ Clerk #2 looks up in question. Clerk #1 clairifes:_

CLERK #1  
How much you bet it won't be Parkinson? Fiver?

_ After a moment's consideration:_

CLERK #2  
Alright, done.

_ The clerks shake hands, and begin watching the window waiting for the next man to fall._

CLERK #1  
C'mon, Parky!

CLERK #2  
Watch out, Parky!

CLERK #1  
Be reasonable, Parky, you can't win!

CLERK #2  
Don't give up, Parky, you can take them!

_SCENE 13 - INTERIOR, SOMEWHERE ELSE in CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ The flustered Guard hurries through the castle, trying to escape from Airhole, who is following him. The Guard is close to tears.  
_

AIRHOLE  
And fat American matrons with sloppy buttocks and Hawaiian-patterned ski pants looking for any male who can keep it up long enough when they finally let it all flop out. And the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera-

GUARD  
Shut up!

AIRHOLE  
-epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the previous outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half of London and decimated Europe –

GUARD  
PLEASE, shut up!

AIRHOLE  
-and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like Franco...

_SCENE 14 - INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ The fight is just about over. Only D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, Marie, Roquefort, and Creosote remain._

ASSHOLE  
It's just you and me, Roquefort! Lay down your arms!

ROQUEFORT  
Never!

_ Asshole swings his sword and slices off Roquefort's left arm. Blood begins pouring out of the shoulder in disgusting quantities._

ASSHOLE  
*Now* your arm is laid down!

ROQUEFORT  
Hah! It's just a scratch!

ASSHOLE  
A "scratch"! Your arm's off!

ROQUEFORT  
No it isn't!

ASSHOLE  
(points downward with his sword)  
Well what's that then?

_ Roquefort looks down casually at his severed arm._

ROQUEFORT  
I've hurt worse.

ASSHOLE  
You lie!

ROQUEFORT  
C'mon, ya pansy!

_ Asshole and Roquefort resume their duel, until finally Asshole slices Roquefort's other arm off. It and Roquefort's sword flop to the floor, and another gusher of blood begins pouring out of his other shoulder._

ASSHOLE  
Victory is mine!

_ Asshole, Porthole, and D'Ark-Onion all draw their swords and cross them in the air._

ASSHOLE, PORTHOLE, and D'ARK-ONION  
(in unison)  
All for nothing! And nothing for –

_ Asshole interrupts the cheer with a surprised yelp as Roquefort suddenly kicks him in his asshole._

ROQUEFORT  
C'mon then!

ASSHOLE  
What!

ROQUEFORT  
Have at you!

ASSHOLE  
What are you talking about! You've already lost the duel!

ROQUEFORT  
Oh, had enough, eh?

ASSHOLE  
Look, you stupid bastard, you got no arms left!

ROQUEFORT  
Yes I have!

ASSHOLE  
Look!

_ Asshole points at Roquefort's severed shoulders. Roquefort shrugs unconcerned._

ROQUEFORT  
Just a flesh wound!

_ Roquefort keeps kicking Asshole._

ASSHOLE  
Stop that!

ROQUEFORT  
Oh, chicken, are you!

ASSHOLE  
Look, I'll have your leg!

_ Roquefort kicks Asshole again._

ASSHOLE  
Right!

_ Asshole slashes his sword. Roquefort's right leg falls to the floor and blood pours out of the stump. Roquefort continues hopping on his other leg._

ROQUEFORT  
Right, I'll do you for that!

ASSHOLE  
You'll *what*!

_ Roquefort hops toward Asshole and body-butts him._

ROQUEFORT  
C'mere!

_ Roquefort butts Asshole again. Asshole can't believe this is happening._

ASSHOLE  
What are you gonna do, bleed on me?

ROQUEFORT  
I'm invincible!

ASSHOLE  
You're a loony!

ROQUEFORT  
Captain Roquefort of the Cardinal's Elite Guards, Special Anti-Dueling Squad, Crumbled Division, always gets his man! Have at you!

_ Asshole has had enough of this, and slices Roquefort's other leg off with his sword. Roquefort's limbless torso drops to the floor. He looks at his total lack of arms and legs for a few seconds, and finally:_

ROQUEFORT  
Alright, we'll call it a draw.

_ Somehow, Mr. Creosote's already humungous frame starts inflating to even larger size._

CREOSOTE  
God, I feel ill.

PORTHOLE  
You don't think . . .

ASSHOLE  
Quick, unchain the Queen!

_ Porthole and D'Ark-Onion quickly free Marie from her shackles._

PORTHOLE  
Let's get outta here!

_ D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Marie flee through the door and slam it shut behind them. It locks automatically with Roquefort and Creosote still inside. Roquefort hops toward the door and starts beating his body against it._

ROQUEFORT  
Oh, I see! Running away, and leaving me in here to get blown up, eh! You yellow bastards! Come back in here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

CREOSOTE  
Check please! GULP!

_SCENE 15 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE DUNGEON DOOR, CAMELOT CASTLE_

ASSHOLE  
HIT THE DECK!

_ Everyone drops to the floor. From inside the door, Roquefort's rants abruptly stop the instant we hear the loudest, wettest, sloppiest, grossest explosion imaginable._

_ Several tense seconds pass, then D'Ark-Onion cautiously rises and points toward the door._

D'ARK-ONION  
. . . Don't . . . EVER . . . open that door again!

ASSHOLE  
The Queen is safe. Let's go.

_ D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Marie race down a spiral staircase to a hallway one floor down, where they are suddenly stopped by MALADY DE WHINER, who stands in the middle of the hallway pointing a flintlock pistol at them._

MALADY  
Not so fast! If you think I'm letting you take the Queen out of here, you've got another think coming!

_ Suddenly voices are heard coming up from a nearby staircase. Everyone turns and sees the Guard from outside hurrying up the stairs in terror, followed closely by Airhole, who is __still__ talking. The Guard sees everyone else standing around._

AIRHOLE  
And then on the last day in the airport lounge everyone's comparing sunburns, drinking Nasty Spumante, buying cartons of duty free "cigarillos" and using up their last pesetas on horrid dolls in-

GUARD  
MAKE HIM STOP!

AIRHOLE  
-Spanish National costume and awful straw donkeys and bullfight posters with your name on "Ordoney, El Cordobes and Brian Pules of Norwich" and 3-D pictures of the Pope and Kennedy and Franco, and everybody's talking about coming again-

GUARD  
FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAKE HIM STOP! MAKE HIM STOP!

AIRHOLE  
-next year and you swear you never will although there you are tumbling bleary-eyed out of a tourist-tight antique Iberian airplane...

GUARD  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

_ With a loud crash, the Guard jumps and smashes through the window. CUT to EXTERIOR of CASTLE to see the Guard – or rather what is obviously a dummy of the Guard – falling from the window to the ground, with the Guard's screams in voiceover all the way down._

_SCENE 16 – INTERIOR, OFFICE, CAMELOT CASTLE_

CLERK #1  
Parkinson!

CLERK #2  
(protests)  
Johnson!

_SCENE 17 – INTERIOR, HALLWAY, CAMELOT CASTLE_

_ Airhole stares down through the window for a few seconds, then finally pulls his head back in and looks at everyone else._

AIRHOLE  
Was it something I said?

_ With Malady distracted, Porthole grabs her pistol._

AIRHOLE  
Malady!

MALADY  
Airhole!

D'ARK-ONION  
You two know each other?

AIRHOLE  
She's my wife.

ASSHOLE and PORTHOLE  
(in shocked unison)  
Your wife!

AIRHOLE  
It would be ex-wife, but I don't want to pay alimony.  
(to Malady)  
Alright, Disease -

MALADY  
Malady!

AIRHOLE  
- Malady, why did Michelin kidnap the Queen? Is this another one of his plots to steal the throne from the King?

MALADY  
I'm not telling! And nothing you or your weird friends can do will make me talk!

ASSHOLE  
Maybe we can't, but our other friends can.

MALADY  
What other friends?

ASSHOLE  
These other friends.  
(clears throat)  
"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!"

_ A sudden, intense dramatic chord is heard as three men in red cardinals' robes suddenly leap into the hallway: the same Spanish Inquisition cardinals from Episode 2, XIMINEZ, BIGGLES, and FANG. Ximinez takes the lead again._

XIMINEZ  
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise! That's all, just surprise!

BIGGLES  
What about fear?

XIMINEZ  
Oh, alright, surprise and fear.

BIGGLES  
And ruthless efficiency -

XIMINEZ  
Shut up!

_ Ximinez stares evilly at Malady._

XIMINEZ  
Cardinal Biggles, there is only one thing to do. We must torture her and obtain a signed - *two* things to do. One, torture. Two, obtain a signed confession. Three, *nothing*! There is *no* third thing, is that clear?  
(dramatic pause)  
Biggles, we have to extricate the truth from this unbeliever on pain of torture!  
(another dramatic pause)  
Get . . .  
(final dramatic pause)  
THE COMFY CHAIR!

_ Camera pans quickly to a comfy chair illuminated in an intense spotlight, while an overly dramatic musical theme plays._

MALADY  
The comfy chair! Alright, I'll talk! Cardinal Michelin kidnapped the Queen and took her from Paris to lure all the Muscatels out of the city to search, then the King would be undefended and Michelin could kidnap him!

D'ARK-ONION  
What a wicked idea!

MALADY  
*Course* it's a wicked idea!

PORTHOLE  
. . . Uh, if Michelin could kidnap the Queen from the palace, why couldn't he just have kidnapped the King in the first place?

MALADY  
. . . I don't know. . . . Say, how many more episodes are left?

ASSHOLE  
Just one more. Which means whatever Michelin's going to do to the King, he'll be doing it very soon. We've got to get back to Paris fast!  
(to Inquisitors)  
We won't be needing you now. You can go back to practicing your folk songs.

_The Cardinals exit the scene, practicing "We're All Going to the Zoo"._

_SCENE 18_

_ The "Intermission" title card appears again._

VOICEOVER  
There will now be a whopping great intermission, during which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold. Another way we can drive viewers away from the cinema is by - what am I saying? Don't you DARE leave the movie theater! Watch our movies every second of every hour of every day! Watch our movies until your brain liquefies and oozes out of your ears! AAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_SCENE 19 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO_

MARIE  
He must be a loony.

VOICEOVER  
I am not a loony!

_SCENE 20 - INTERIOR, WINE CELLAR, ROYAL PALACE_

_ KING WOUIE XIV enters through the main door to the wine cellar. Within are several large arrays of shelves and wine racks, except all of them appear to be empty. Sitting in the corner is a bouzouki player, enthusiastically strumming a Greek tune. Wouie approaches another gentleman, the SOMMELIER of the wine cellar._

WOUIE  
Good afternoon.

SOMMELIER  
Good afternoon, Sire! What can I do for you?

WOUIE  
Well, as you may have heard, my wife has been kidnapped. And I was sitting up in my throne room all day, worrying about what's become of her, when I suddenly noticed I was becoming all dehydrated.

SOMMELIER  
"Dehydrated," Sire?

WOUIE  
Parched.

SOMMELIER  
Beg pardon?

WOUIE  
(switches to southern/western accent)  
I done got a powerful thirst!

SOMMELIER  
Ah, thirsty!

WOUIE  
In a nutshell! So I thought to myself, a little fermented grape extract might just do the trick. So I curtailed my anxiety, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of storage to negotiate the acquisition of some liquefied fruit of the vine!

SOMMELIER  
Come again?

WOUIE  
I want some wine!

SOMMELIER  
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

WOUIE  
Oh, heaven forbid! I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse!

SOMMELIER  
Beg pardon?

WOUIE  
I like a nice tune!

SOMMELIER  
So he can go on playing, Sire?

WOUIE  
Most certainly!

_ So the bouzouki player does continue playing as this scene continues, sometimes in a slow, easy beat, sometimes faster and louder._

SOMMELIER  
Um, Sire, if I may ask another question...

WOUIE  
Yes?

SOMMELIER  
Well, Sire... I couldn't help noticing... the way you're talking just now...

WOUIE  
You mean, what's happened to my speech impediment?

SOMMELIER  
Well... yes Sire.

WOUIE  
Well, you see I only talk like that when Cardinal Michelin is around.  
(leans close to the Vender and grins conspiratorially)  
Drives him up the wall!

_ Wouie and the Vender share a brief conspiratorial laugh._

SOMMELIER  
Very droll, Sire!

WOUIE  
Now then, some wine please, my good man!

SOMMELIER  
Certainly, Sire! What would you like?

WOUIE  
Well, how about a little Zinfandel?

SOMMELIER  
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Zinfandel, Sire!

WOUIE  
Oh well, never mind. How are you on Pinot Noir?

SOMMELIER  
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Sire, we get new bottles on Monday!

WOUIE  
Tish-tish. Well, stout sommelier, a small glass of Beaujolais, if you please!

SOMMELIER  
Ah, it's been on order for two weeks, Sire. We were expecting it this morning.

WOUIE  
Not my lucky day, is it? Uh, Pinot Grigio?

SOMMELIER  
Sorry, Sire.

WOUIE  
Pinot Gris?

SOMMELIER  
Normally Sire, yes! Today, the carriage broke down.

WOUIE  
Ah. Dolcetto?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Manzanilla? Moscato d'Asti?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Any German Gewürztraminer perchance?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Sangria?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Sauvignon Blanc?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Clairet?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Cabernet Franc?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Bordeaux? Rhone Blend? Primitivo? Spumante? Pinot Meunier? Chianti? Petit Verdot? Chablis?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Sherry, perhaps?

SOMMELIER  
Ah! We have Sherry, yes Sire!

WOUIE  
You do? Excellent!

SOMMELIER  
Yes, Sire! It's, uh... it's a bit dry.

WOUIE  
Oh, I like it dry!

SOMMELIER  
...Well, it's *very* dry, actually.

WOUIE  
No matter! Fetch hither the spirits of jolly old England!

SOMMELIER  
...I think it's a bit drier than you'd like, Sire.

WOUIE  
I don't care how fucking dry it is, hand it over with all speed!

SOMMELIER  
Yes Sire.  
(looks quickly behind an empty wine rack)  
Oh!

WOUIE  
...What now?

SOMMELIER  
The cat drank it!

WOUIE  
...Has he?

SOMMELIER  
She, Sire.

_ Pregnant pause as Wouie tries to muster up additional patience._

WOUIE  
Garnay?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Vernaccia?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Cap Classique?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Dry Alsace?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Japanese Sake?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
... You *do* have some wine, do you?

SOMMELIER  
Certainly, Sire! This is a wine cellar! We have –

WOUIE  
No-no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess.

SOMMELIER  
Fair enough, Sire.

WOUIE  
Uh, Marsala?

SOMMELIER  
Yes?

WOUIE  
Oh! Well, I'll have some of that!

SOMMELIER  
... Oh, I thought you were talking to me, Sire! Monsieur Marsala, that's my name.

_ Another pregnant pause. Wouie's patience is wearing thin._

WOUIE  
... Shiraz?

SOMMELIER  
Uh, not as such, Sire.

WOUIE  
Uh, Merlot?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Chardonnay?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Port?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Sangiovese?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Semillon?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Tempranillo?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Beerenauslese?

SOMMELIER  
Not today, Sire, no.

WOUIE  
... Ah, how about Champagne?

SOMMELIER  
Well, we don't have much call for it 'round 'ere, Sire.

WOUIE  
"Not much call"? It's the single most popular sparkling wine in the world!

SOMMELIER  
Not 'round 'ere, Sire!

WOUIE  
...And what is the most popular sparkling wine "'round 'ere?"

SOMMELIER  
Cava, Sire!

WOUIE  
Is it?

SOMMELIER  
Oh yes, it's staggeringly popular in this district, Sire!

WOUIE  
Is it?

SOMMELIER  
It's the number one choice, Sire!

WOUIE  
I see. Umm . . . Cava, eh?

SOMMELIER  
Righto, Sire!

WOUIE  
Very well.  
(takes a deep breath)  
"Have you got any?" he asked, expecting the answer "no".

SOMMELIER  
I'll have a look, Sire!

_ The Sommelier slowly scans the racks all around him, all the while humming the letter "N" as if it's inevitable that he's going to answer:_

SOMMELIER  
No.

_ Pregnant pause._

WOUIE  
It's not much of a wine cellar, is it?

SOMMELIER  
Finest in the country, Sire.

WOUIE  
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please!

SOMMELIER  
Well, it's so clean, Sire!

WOUIE  
(sarcastic)  
It's certainly uncontaminated by wine.

SOMMELIER  
You haven't asked me about the Madeira, Sire.

WOUIE  
Is it worth it?

SOMMELIER  
Could be.

WOUIE  
Very well. Have you got WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!

_ The bouzouki player abruptly stops playing._

SOMMELIER  
(to the bouzouki player)  
Told you so.

WOUIE  
(to the Sommelier)  
Have you got any Madeira?

SOMMELIER  
No.

WOUIE  
Figures.  
(beat; to himself:)  
Predictable really, I suppose, it was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place.  
(to the Sommelier)  
Tell me. Have you in fact got *any* wine here at all?

SOMMELIER  
Yes, Sire!

WOUIE  
(looks Sommelier straight in the eye)  
Really?

SOMMELIER  
No, not really, Sire.

WOUIE  
You haven't.

SOMMELIER  
No Sire, not a drop. I was deliberately wasting your time.

WOUIE  
(sighs in resignation)  
Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

SOMMELIER  
Righto, Sire.

_ Wouie pulls a flintlock pistol out of his robe and shoots the Sommelier point-blank in his chest. The Sommelier falls over backwards behind a wine rack._

WOUIE  
(to himself)  
What a senseless waste of human life.

SOMMELIER  
(from behind wine rack, groaning)  
I got some cheese!

_ Wouie shoots him again, then replaces the pistol in his robe and turns to leave. However, blocking his way is L. N. GUMBY, who just stares open-mouthed at Wouie as if he can't remember what he's supposed to do._

WOUIE  
Is there something you want, young man?

GUMBY  
(shouts)  
Are you the brain specialist?

_ Wouie looks pityingly at Gumby._

WOUIE  
No. As much as you obviously need one, I am, in fact, the King of France.

_ It takes about five seconds, but what Wouie says finally sinks in._

GUMBY  
Oh! I have something to give you!

_ And Gumby swings his arm overhand, and clobbers Wouie on the head with a rubber chicken. Wouie falls down unconscious. Gumby picks up Wouie bodily, over his shoulder, and walks out of the wine cellar with him. On his way out, he meets the KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, stops briefly, and hands him back his rubber chicken._

GUMBY  
Thank you!

_ The Knight nods in acknowledgement and walks away in the opposite direction. Gumby continues on his own way._

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_This episode performed by:  
D'ARK-ONION  
ASSHOLE  
PORTHOLE  
AIRHOLE  
KING WOUIE XIV  
CARDINAL MICHELIN  
MALADY DE WHINER  
CAPTAIN ROQUEFORT  
QUEEN MARIE THERESE  
MR. CREOSOTE  
L. N. GUMBY  
SOME TWIT PRETENDING TO BE ORSON WELLES  
A DEAD SOMMELIER  
FIVE GUARDS  
FOUR BIKINI MODELS  
THREE SPANISH INQUISITORS  
TWO OFFICE CLERKS  
AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TRE- WHO WROTE THAT?_

_Also appearing:  
MARILYN MONROE'S ASHES  
BIGGUS DICKUS (NOT NOEL COWARD)_

_This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, with thanks to Python Pictures Limited, paid for in part by a donation from the Church of St. Loony Up the Cream Bun and Jam._


	6. A King, a Queen, a Jerk, and Four Jokers

**Episode 5**

_SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO_

TV ANNOUNCER  
Good evening. Before we begin this concluding episode of "The Three Muscatels," I wish to respond to the large number of letters we've received about the previous episodes, charging that much of their material was offensive and totally inappropriate for public consumption. And while this is absolutely true, I am here now to assure the public that the upcoming conclusion to our story will be performed in a much more wholesome and tasteful manner, suitable for all ages and viewing tastes. I also want to assure you that there will be no cannibalism at any time during this episode. And when I say none, I mean there will be a certain amount. But I promise that should any instances of cannibalism, either explicit or implied, in any way manifest themselves, the production staff and the censoring board will take immediate steps to hush the whole thing up.  
As a final editorial note, I wish to comment on a frequent occurrence in entertainment. When a multi-part series of connected television programs, motion pictures, novels, or other form of entertainment succeeds in maintaining high standards of storytelling throughout the series, it all-too-often happens that the final entry in the series is a weak disappointment, unable to live up to the promise of its predecessors. This of course leaves the public feeling cheated, all the enjoyment they garnered from the series suddenly having gone to waste.  
So in keeping with that tradition, we present the disappointing final chapter of our story, "The Three Muscatels." And after its conclusion, I invite you to enjoy RC Gumby's next production coming soon, in which I will personally appear in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms, and garlic.  
Right!

_ The Announcer picks up a large open container labeled "White wine sauce," with a large basting brush in it. He takes the brush and starts basting himself with the sauce._

ANNOUNCER  
Chef, get the oven on! I'll be ready in three minutes!

_ The camera follows the Announcer partway as he walks away to his left, leaving the set and entering a nearby section made up more like a restaurant. As he finally walks out of shot, the shot stops on the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET. The Man is tied lengthwise to a seven-foot long roasting spit, and is being slowly rotated over a large open campfire in the middle of the studio. The fire is being fueled by the broken-up remains of the Man's desk._

MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET  
And now for something completely different.

_SCENE 2 – INTERIOR, DINING ROOM, RESTAURANT_

_ The IT'S MAN is curled up on a giant serving platter placed on a long buffet table, surrounded by potatoes, carrots, turnips, and other assorted roasted vegetables. The Man's legs are trussed up, and an apple is jammed into his mouth._

IT'S MAN  
(muffled through the apple)  
It's –

_TITLE SEQUENCE_

_VOICEOVER_

_RC Gumby Productions presents: _

"_The Three Muscatels."_

_Based upon the comedy of Monty Python._

_And upon the novel __The Three Musketeers__, by Alexander Dumas._

_And on a related subject, there's a bridge we own in New York City that we'd like to sell you._

_Title sequence ends._

_TITLE CARDS, in sequence:_

"_EPISODE 5"_

"_A KING, A QUEEN, A JERK, AND FOUR JOKERS"_

_SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, NEW RESIDENTIAL BLOCK, PARIS_

_ Michelin drives a horse-drawn cart toward the new residential block listed in the heading for this scene. Wouie is riding shotgun with him, but as a prisoner being closely guarded by two Gumbys riding in the cart just behind him. Wouie is furious._

WOUIE  
Why have you bwought me hewe, Michewin? This is high tweason to the cwown! Heads wiww woww fow this!

MICHELIN  
(gleefully)  
This is where your reign will end and -

_ He suddenly stops gloating, puzzled, and turns to Wouie._

MICHELIN  
Heads *what?*

WOUIE  
I said heads wiww woww!

_ Michelin has to think about that for several seconds, then he experimentally says:_

MICHELIN  
"Heads werewolf?"  
(beat)  
Oh, never mind.

_ He pulls up the cart to stop in front of the front entrance to the main building, and all the cart's passengers disembark. There is a table in front of the entrance upon which is a scale model of the main building._

MICHELIN  
Welcome to your new home, Wouie, for the rest of your life. Which won't be very long! Ha!

WOUIE  
You'we going to impwison me in this pwace?

MICHELIN  
"Pwison?" Now Wouie, that's such a harsh term! No-no, this is the latest in modern residential apartment blocks. And here's the man who designed them, Oliver St.-John Mollusk.

_ A man in a formal business suit, OLIVER ST.-JOHN MOLLUSK, steps up to stand behind the table._

MOLLUSK  
Good morning, gentlemen.

MICHELIN  
Mr. Mollusk, ex-King Wouie XIV would like to know what his new home's like.

MOLLUSK  
Well, your ex-Highness, this is a twelve-story block combining Classical Neo-Georgian features with all the efficiencies of modern design.

_ Wouie examines the replica, and actually begins to soften up to being imprisoned inside as he looks over the impressively lavish features that Mollusk is pointing out._

MOLLUSK (cont.)  
Once you step through the door, you'll arrive in the entrance hall and be carried along the corridor by a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives.

_ Wouie suddenly looks up in shock._

MOLLUSK (cont.)  
The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes, and the mangled flesh slurps into several large -

WOUIE  
Wait a minute, did you say knives?

MOLLUSK  
Rotating knives, yes.

WOUIE  
Are you pwoposing to swaughtew me?

MOLLUSK  
. . . Does that not fit in with your plans?

MICHELIN  
Oh, it fits in with *my* plans perfectly!

WOUIE  
Whoevew heawd of a wesidentiaw apawtment bwock whewe the wesidents awe swiced to wibbons

MOLLUSK  
Ah yes, I imagine it does sound a bit unusual. You see, I mainly design slaughterhouses. Mind you, this is a real beaut. None of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out the windows inconveniencing the passers-by with this one. My whole life has been leading up to this! Shall we go in?

WOUIE  
No!

MICHELIN  
Yes!  
(to one of the two Gumbys behind him)  
L. N., lead the way!

_ L. N. GUMBY walks up to the building's front door and knocks on it. Then again with more force. Then again with even more force and more rapidly._

_CUT to SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, NEW RESIDENTIAL BLOCK_

_ D. P. GUMBY walks up to the door in response to the harsh knocking._

D. P. GUMBY  
Come in!

_ L. N. Gumby smashes his way through the door, forgetting once again to open it first._

D. P. GUMBY  
Augh! Open the *door* and come in!

L. N. GUMBY  
Sorry!

_ L. N. Gumby ambles inside, followed closely by another Gumby. Several more Gumbys from inside join D. P. at the entranceway, all of them talking at once, or stumbling into each other, or crashing into and breaking every piece of bric-a-brac around the room, or bumping blindly into walls because they have various objects jammed over their heads, etc._

GUMBYS  
(all at once with no vocal coordination)  
Hello! Sorry! Shut up! I got my head stuck in the cupboard! Sorry! Shut up! I can't see anything! Hello! I can't see anything! I can't see anything! Shut up, Mr. Gumby! My brain hurts! Sorry! Shut up! Hello! I've broken it! I've broken it! Get off my foot! Shut up! Sorry! My brain hurts! My brain hurts! . . .

_ Just inside the doorway, Michelin stands next to Wouie and Mollusk, shaking his head pityingly at the scene._

MICHELIN  
It's so hard to find good help these days.  
(suddenly starts, remembering something)  
Oh, before I forget, here Wouie, spread this on yourself.

_ He picks up a nearby bucket and hands it to Wouie. Wouie examines the contents._

WOUIE  
Howwandaise sauce?

MICHELIN  
Yes, you see at the end of the process, your remains are eaten by a crocodile. I do hate to see good meat wasted.

WOUIE  
That's positivewy wevowting!

MCHELIN  
Look, I tell you what. We'll let the crocodile eat you, then if we have reservations about it later, I'll have a grave dug and he can throw up into it.

_ Wouie considers this for a few seconds, then:_

WOUIE  
Awwight.

_ With a loud crash, D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels smash through a nearby wall, block the path of Michelin, Mollusk, and Wouie, and raise their swords and cross them._

D'ARK-ONION and MUSCATELS  
(in unison)  
All for everything, and something for nothing!

MICHELIN  
The Muscatels! What's the big idea being alive and showing up in the nick of time!

ASSHOLE  
Because we're tired of you, Michelin! Now, unhand the King! Your block of residential death flats is officially out of business!

MOLLUSK  
Oh come on, don't shut down my project. Think of the tourist trade!

AIRHOLE  
The tourist trade don't enter into it! We will never allow our Royal Highness to take up permanent residence in an abattoir as long as our steel remains sharp and true!

_ Airhole leans toward Porthole._

AIRHOLE  
(whispers)  
Too corny?

PORTHOLE  
(whispers)  
A bit.

MOLLUSK  
Yes, well that's just the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit around all day on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, couldn't give a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist, you *excrement*!  
(works himself up into a rage)  
You whining, hypocritical toadies with your color TV sets and your Tony Jacquelin ball clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't give a hyena's tiddy about my work, would you, you blade-happy bastards -!

_ The KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR appears, and brains Mollusk with a rubber chicken. Mollusk, in a bit of a daze, stumbles out of shot, shouting:_

MOLLUSK  
Albatross!

ASSHOLE  
(mutters)  
Git.

AIRHOLE  
Can we get on with the big swordfight climax?

MICHELIN  
Right. Gumbys, attack!

_ D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels cross their swords again._

D'ARK-ONION and MUSCATELS  
(in unison)  
All for everyth-

PORTHOLE  
(interrupts)  
Oh, sod it! GET 'EM!

_ They and the Gumbys begin the big swordfight climax. D'Ark-Onion thrust and parry their swords like nobody's business. The Gumbys however, fight back with pieces of fresh fruit instead of swords: strawberries, cherries, limes, pineapples, blood oranges, loganberries, etc. One Gumby tries fighting with a pointed stick but one of his fellows cuffs him upside the head and sends him back to get a banana instead. It's no surprise when the Muscatels quickly win the fight. Wouie hurries over to them._

ASSHOLE  
Are you all right, your highness?

WOUIE  
Weasonabwy so, my woyaw Muscatews. Congwatuwations on a timewy wescue!

AIRHOLE  
Wait, where's Michelin?

_ Before they can stop him, Michelin opens a secret panel in the wall. Inside is a large red button with the sign, "In case the good guys are winning." Michelin presses the button, opens a larger secret door nearby, and slithers through. It immediately closes behind him before the Muscatels can reach it. From outside, we begin to hear church bells ringing in the distance._

ASSHOLE  
Damn, he's escaped!

D'ARK-ONION  
And what do you suppose that button was for?

PORTHOLE  
Let's not wait around to find out. Let's get you back to the palace, your highness.

_ They head for the main door, but to their surprise, it's suddenly intact again, and locked._

PORTHOLE  
Stand back, your highness, we'll break it down!

_ D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels line up to do so._

ASSHOLE  
One, two, five -!

D'ARK-ONION  
Three.

ASSHOLE  
- three!

_ They all charge the door and collide with it, but this door doesn't break down. They try again, but again the door doesn't yield._

AIRHOLE  
Damn! Must be reinforced!

D'ARK-ONION  
Say, do you hear those church bells?

ASSHOLE  
What about them? It's Sunday, and I think they're quite nice.

D'ARK-ONION  
Yes, but doesn't it sound like they're getting louder?

WOUIE  
He's wight, they awe definitewy getting wouder!

_ Porthole looks out a small window._

PORTHOLE  
And I know why! Look!

AIRHOLE  
What?

PORTHOLE  
The church! It's getting closer! It's coming down the hill!

_ The others rush to the window to see for themselves._

D'ARK-ONION  
What a liberty!

PORTHOLE  
It's turning into our lane!

ASSHOLE  
Straight through the lights, of course!

WOUIE  
So that was Michewin's diabowical pwan! The church will fwatten us wike winoweum unwess we can fwee fwom this pwace!

D'ARK-ONION  
But all the doors are locked!  
(covers his ears)  
Those bells are really getting loud!

AIRHOLE  
What!

D'ARK-ONION  
(shouts)  
Those bells are really getting loud!

ASSHOLE  
What about this window, is it locked?

PORTHOLE  
No, but it's too small for us!

ASSHOLE  
But not too small for this!

_ Asshole reaches under his cloak and pulls out a portable missile launcher._

PORTHOLE  
What is that?

ASSHOLE  
It's a Number 14 St. Joseph the Sun Upon the Divine Hill Ballistic Missile! I made it for you as a birthday present, but now's as good a time as any to try it!

_ Porthole takes the launcher and studies it quickly._

PORTHOLE  
How do I aim it?

ASSHOLE  
It automatically homes in on the nearest place of worship!

AIRHOLE  
That's St. Mark's!

D'ARK-ONION  
(watching through the window)  
It isn't now, look! It's opening the gates!

ASSHOLE  
What! Use the megaphone!

_ D'Ark-Onion picks up a megaphone and shouts into it:_

D'ARK-ONION  
IT'S OPENING THE GATES!

_ Airhole and Asshole pry open the window. The bells are deafening by now._

D'ARK-ONION  
Hurry up, it's trampling over the azalias!

_ Porthole shoves the business end of the launcher through the window and pulls the trigger. The missile launches with a big cloud of smoke. D'Ark-Onion, Wouie, and the Muscatels immediately hit the deck in a jumbled pile, and seconds later there's a massive explosion. The church bells gradually slow and die an agonizing death._

PORTHOLE  
Did I hit it?

_ Asshole gets up and checks through the window._

ASSHOLE  
Yes, right up the aisle.

D'ARK-ONION  
Nice work, Porthole! Well, looks like you're safe now, your highness!

_ There's no answer._

D'ARK-ONION  
Your highness?

WOUIE  
(muffled)  
Young man?

D'ARK-ONION  
Yes, your highness?

WOUIE  
(muffled)  
You'we sitting on my face!

_SCENE 5 – EXTERIOR, RESIDENTIAL BLOCK_

_ Michelin sneaks out of the building through a side door, his sword at the ready in case anyone gets in his way._

MICHELIN  
(to himself)  
He who schemes and sneaks away lives to scheme another day.

MARIE (O.S.)  
Not so fast!

_ To Michelin's shock, QUEEN MARIE is in his way, now dressed in a Muscatel uniform of her own, and holding up a sword._

MICHELIN  
Queen Marie! What the hell're you doing!

MARIE  
Getting a decent scene for a change! En garde!

_ Marie and Michelin have a swordfight of their own, and it's quickly obvious that Marie has the upper hand. Michelin panics, backing into the side of the building, and ultimately Marie knocks his sword from his hand._

MICHELIN  
Alright, ALRIGHT! I give up! What're you going to do with me!

MARIE  
(smirks)  
Nothing. Just stand right there.

MICHELIN  
What for?

_ Marie grins, strolls to the side of the building, and pulls down on a large lever sticking out from the wall. Michelin looks up and sees, with a sinking heart, what the lever is for._

MICHELIN  
Oh, bugger.

_ Michelin winces as a huge metal block, five feet square and five feet tall, falls over him. The block has a huge label on one side: "16 TONS"._

_ Wouie, D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole run into the scene and see Marie's handiwork._

WOUIE  
Weww done, my wove!

_ Wouie hugs her briefly, and then takes out a box from underneath his robe._

WOUIE  
A wittwe pwesent to show how gwad I am that we awe weunited.

_ Marie takes the box, opens it, and sees that it's full of chocolates._

MARIE  
Oh Wouie, you shouldn't have!

_ She bites into a chocolate and savors it for a few moments._

MARIE  
Mmm, Crunchy Frog. My favorite!

_ Wouie turns to the others._

WOUIE  
And my sincewest gwatitude to the bwave men wesponsibwe for ouw weunion! And especiawwy ouw newest wecwuit!

_ Wouie focuses on D'Ark-Onion._

WOUIE  
You've mowe than pwoven youw wowth in the sewvice of youw king and countwy. And so, fow youw aid in saving my wife, as weww as the wife of my wife, I heweby decware you, D'Awk-Onion, a Muscat- !

COLONEL (O.S.)  
Right! Stop it! Stop it right there!

_ Everyone turns startled as the stern COLONEL and five other men dressed in British military uniforms march into the scene._

WOUIE  
(angwy)  
How dawe you intewwupt the sweawing-in cewemony of my newest Muscatew!

COLONEL  
Ceremony, nothing, I'm stopping this whole story!

PORTHOLE  
What for?

COLONEL  
I've warned you time and again about not letting it become too silly! And yet here you are blowing up moving churches and dropping 16-ton weights on people! That's the limit! I'm stopping this story, and arresting all of you for not taking "The Three Musketeers" seriously!  
(to his men)  
Take them away!

_ The military men surround the characters and herd them out of the scene._

D'ARK-ONION  
But what about my becoming a Muscatel?

_ The military men ignore him._

D'ARK-ONION  
I'm not sleeping with that editor again!

_SCENE 6 – INTERIOR, COURTROOM_

_ The courtroom is laid out in the traditional British style. The JUDGE sits behind a tall bench, wearing traditional robes and a long powdered wig. Next to the bench is the "dock" where the accused stand for trial. A twelve-person jury box is off to the side, populated entirely by Gumbys. Wouie, Marie, Michelin, D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole sit in the front gallery, while the Colonel's men are in the rear gallery. The Colonel himself stands next to the front gallery. The BAILIFF stands up from his seat in front of the bench._

JUDGE  
Call Colonel Raymond Luxury-Yacht to the stand!

BAILIFF  
Call Colonel Raymond Luxury-Yacht!

COLONEL  
With respect, m'lord, my name is spelled "Luxury-Yacht", but it's pronounced "Throat-Wobbler Mangrove."

JUDGE  
. . . You're a very silly man, and I'm not going to call on you.

COLONEL  
What!

JUDGE  
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth to the stand!

BAILIFF  
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth!

CHORAL SINGER #1 (O.S.)  
(in a higher pitch)  
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth!

CHORAL SINGER #2  
(still higher pitch)  
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth!

CHORAL SINGERS #3, 4, and 5  
(three-part harmony)  
Call King Wouie the Fourte-e-e-e-enth!

JUDGE  
Oh, shut up!

_ Wouie gets up and steps into the "dock." The PROSECUTOR approaches._

PROSECUTOR  
You are Louie the Fourteenth, King of France in the story of "The Three Musketeers?"

WOUIE  
No, m'word, I am Wouie the Fouwteenth, wulew of Fwance in the tawe of -

JUDGE  
And drop that phony speech impediment!

WOUIE  
. . Sorry. Yes, m'lord.

PROSECUTOR  
You and your colleagues stand accused of tarnishing a classic work of literature, to wit "The Three Musketeers" by Alexander Dumas, of plagiarizing copyrighted works of television, movies, and records, to wit comedy sketches by Monty Python, and of generally being silly and doing not-at-all good things with said works, to wit staging a half-witted parody of said "Three Musketeers" and said "Monty Python." How do you plead?

WOUIE  
I wish to plead incompetence.

JUDGE  
"Incompetence"?

WOUIE  
No, not incompetence! What's the word? . . . Um . . .

ASSHOLE  
Albatross?

WOUIE  
No-no, the other word!

MARIE  
Dog kennels?

WOUIE  
Yes, that's it! I wish to plead dog kennels.

JUDGE  
On what ground?

WOUIE  
(looks down)  
Well, this ground I'm standing on, m'lord.

JUDGE  
No, no! I mean, *why* do you think you can plead dog kennels?

WOUIE  
Well, m'lord, you're accusing us of making an unauthorized parody of "The Three Musketeers" with the unauthorized use of "Monty Python" sketches. But if that's true, why has it been allowed to go on this long? We've uploaded five entire episodes of it by now! Six, if you count the prologue, which by the way clearly spelled out what this story was going to be about. So why didn't the admin step in at the first upload to call a halt to this whole thing if your accusations are in any way valid?

_ A court official, who until now had been hanging by the open entrance watching the proceedings, steps fully into the courtroom._

COURT OFFICIAL  
I believe I can answer that, m'lord. There's a dead admin on the landing.

JUDGE  
A dead admin? From what website?

COURT OFFICIAL  
This website, m'lord. It was easy to tell, it's tattooed on the back of his neck. In fact, after running a check, we found it's the admin who was assigned to check the validity of this very story.

JUDGE  
So! The killer must have been someone who wanted this story to go out completely as is. Any clues as to the murderer's identity?

COURT OFFICIAL  
Sorry, m'lord. No clues found on the body, and no sign of the murder weapon. Only God knows who did it.

_SCENE 7 – ANIMATION_

_ God's head appears from an open curtain of clouds._

GOD  
*Course* I know who did it! It was Cardinal Michelin!

_SCENE 8 – INTERIOR, COURTROOM_

MICHELIN  
(breaks down)  
All right! It's a fair cop, I did it! But society and literature are to blame!

JUDGE  
What do you mean, literature?

MICHELIN  
When Dumas wrote "The Three Musketeers", he made me the villain. And now, every time someone does a production of that damn book, whether straight or parody, TV, movie, internet, prose or puppet show, I have to be the villain! I have to plot evil plans, kidnap queens, overthrow kings, and then lose to the Musketeers and that little upstart D'Artagnan – or D'Ark-Onion, or whatever he ends up being called! EVERY *DAMN* TIME!  
(becoming hysterical)  
For three hundred *ghastly* years since Dumas wrote that damn book, I've been hated, booed, hissed, and laughed at, while the Musketeers get love and cheers and have roses and ladies' underwear thrown at them! So I murdered the admin so I could then sabotage this story, making it so silly that no one would ever take it seriously again and they'd stop reading or watching it and I'd *finally* be free! Do you have any idea what it's like, being hissed and booed over and over again for THREE HUNDRED YEARS!

_ Michelin pauses a few seconds, close to tears, until he finally collects himself and says:_

MICHELIN  
I never wanted to be a villain!  
(beat)  
I wanted to be . . .  
(dramatic beat)  
A LUMBERJACK!

_SCENE 9 – EXTERIOR, FOREST, SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN CANADA_

_ A marching tune begins playing. Michelin strides into shot and begins pulling off his cardinal's robes. Underneath them are a plaid shirt and the suspenders and pants that make up traditional lumberjack clothes. He then pulls out a woolen toque to cap off the ensemble._

MICHELIN  
Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The giant redwood! The larch! The mighty Scots pine!

_ MALADY DE WHINER skips into shot, now wearing a traditional frontier dress, and stands next to Michelin._

MICHELIN  
With my best girl by my side! We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

_ As the music begins in earnest, Michelin sings:_

MICHELIN  
Oh . . .  
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!  
I sleep all night and I work all day!

_ All the other actors who ever appeared in this story now appear in the background, lined up in twin rows and wearing the uniforms of Royal Canadian Mounties. They sing the chorus:_

CHORUS  
He's a lumberjack and he's okay!  
He sleeps all night and he works all day!

MICHELIN  
I cut down trees! I eat my lunch!  
I go to the lavat'ry!  
On Wednesdays I go shopping,  
And have buttered scones for tea!

CHORUS  
He cuts down trees! He eats his lunch!  
He goes to the lavat'ry!  
On Wednesdays he goes shopping.  
And has buttered scones for tea!

MICHELIN and CHORUS  
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!  
I sleep all night and I work all day!

MICHELIN  
I cut down trees! I skip and jump!  
I like to press wildflowers!  
I put on women's clothing,  
And hang around in bars!

CHORUS  
He cuts down trees! He skips and jumps!  
He likes to press wildflowers!  
He puts on women's clothing,  
And hangs around in *bars*?

_ The Chorus looks at each other, then at Michelin in disgust. Malady doesn't look happy either._

MICHELIN and CHORUS  
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!  
I sleep all night and I work all day!

MICHELIN  
I cut down trees! I wear high heels,  
Suspenders, and a bra!  
I wish I'd been a girlie,  
Just like my dear papa!

CHORUS  
He cuts down trees! He wears high heels,  
Suspenders, and a *bra*?

_ This is the last straw. Malady storms off in a huff. Spewing various disgusted epithets, the chorus starts walking off camera as well, but then the music builds up to run the chorus again and they rush back into position._

MICHELIN and CHORUS  
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!  
I sleep all night and I work all day!  
Yes, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okaaaaay!  
(pause for several beats)  
I sleep all night and I work . .  
allllll daaaaaaaay!

_ Michelin bows deeply, and another 16-ton weight falls on him._

_ "The Liberty Bell March" – Monty Python's theme music – begins playing, and the choral members rapidly pull off their pants. Somehow, frilly dresses appear underneath them, and as the music takes off, they start can-can dancing to it as the onscreen credits begin rolling._

_This episode performed by:  
EVERYBODY_

_Also appearing:  
EVERYBODY ELSE_

VOICEOVER  
Mr. D. P. Gumby is now appearing in the Thames, near Whopping Steps. And Mr. L. N. Gumby is now appearing as a central tunnel support on the new Victoria Line.

_The preceding program has been made possible by a grant from the Whizzo Chocolate Company, which went out of business in 1969._

_Any complaints about the humorous quality of this program should be addressed to British Airways, Ingraham's Drive, Greenwich._

_This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, with all due thanks to Python Pictures Limited, A&E Home Video, and the Spanish Inquisition._

_SCENE 10 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO_

_ With a dramatic musical chord, CARDINALS XIMINEZ, BIGGLES, and FANG burst through the studio doors._

XIMINEZ  
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is -

_CUT to TITLE CARD (appears to the sound of a loudly slamming door):_

_"THE END"_

XIMINEZ (V.O.)  
Oh, bugger.


End file.
